Inside Complex Girl

2007-01-16T20:57:00.000+11:00

Dear Blog

As you've probably noticed I've been a little absent lately. You see the truth is that I've been cheating on you. I have another blog. I was starting to feel that things here were a little stale and for some reason I couldn't change that. I couldn't get out of the posting rut that I was in and every post felt the same. I'm sorry. Some of my readers have found me at my new spot and I'm happy to tell you where I am if you email me at complexgirl9@yahoo.com.au. I hope there's no hard feelings. I've really enjoyed it here but like all good things it had to come to an end and I've found a new beginning. I'm going to leave you here for a while (until I work out how to save you and burn you to CD) so I hope you've enjoyed your time here, it was fun. Might see you round the blogiverse eh?

yours always

CG

Poor neglected blog...

2006-07-07T17:54:00.000+10:00

Well once again it's been a while between posts. It's been absolutely spasticated at work and I've been getting home and just conking out due to sheer exhaustion. It's been such a weird week this week that I just had to check in.

Conversations this week: Discussed opening a bondage dungeon with my brother, seriously. To the point where we have a name and are scouting locations. Whether it all comes to fruition or not will be seen but it's nice to think about.

In the bondage vein, I've had two younger men discuss bondage with me, they want to be my slaves... interesting...

I'm trying to track down someone I knew ten years ago. I haven't thought about her for a years and I couldn't sleep the other night and for some reason started thinking about her and our experiances together. I've got her dad's address in Brisbane that she gave me so I'm going to see if he's still at that address and see if I can track her down. If not I'm going to ring everyone in the phone book that has her initials and see if I can find her.

Also started thinking about the White Knight again. I'm keen to contact him but after all this time, is there any point? [see October archives for the background] The trivia night is coming up which is making me think about that whole thing again.

And pathetic as it is, this is my only teehee offering for you. I know, I know, not a meaty post after such a long absence but I don't want to bore you with worky stuff so that's all I've got...

X-RATED RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Let me hurt you again

2006-06-26T18:39:00.000+10:00

Normally hearing about peoples dreams bores the pants off me but I just had to tell this one as it involves you. In my dream the other night I was showing an electrician into the house as I was renovating and every time he had to do any work he had to nude up, as in full monty. I was a bit shocked in my dream because he looked like some 70's reject with a mullet but I couldn't help laughing and I thought this was an excellent topic for the blog. I went and got out my mobile phone which has a camera and couldn't work out how to turn off the sound so that I could take a pic without the "click" sound so that I could take a sneaky pic to show you. and then woke up so sorry, no nude electrician pix for you ;}

now reading: Monsoon - Wilbur Smith
now playing: Seether - Disclaimer II

Must be something on your mind, something lost and left behind

2006-06-20T19:28:00.000+10:00

All I have for you today are these links:

This

and

This

take from them what you will.

fuck. fuck. fucking fuck.

2006-06-13T17:50:00.000+10:00

So one of my worst nightmares has come true. Had dinner with my Ma last night when she pipes up with "oh by the way I'm going blind" EXCUSE me? She's developing cataracts and her long distance vision is cactus. She knew that they were developing a little while ago but didn't really think much of it but in the last 4 months it's worsened 1 diopter which is pretty bad. She was pretty perky about it but I think she's covering so that I won't worry - HA as if! Basically her only option is to go for one of those lens replacement operations but she's scared of the side effects. I'm scared of the whole process because if she does go through with the operation she's going to be a vegetable until she's healed and they take the bandages off. She only has 5-10% hearing and that coupled with no vision... heheh I'm hearing Metallica's One in my head. The good thing about the operation would be that she can throw away her contact lenses as she'd have vastly improved sight with the new lenses. The only other option if she's not a candidate for the lens replacement is euthenasia.

Man that's fucked up. To actually write that word. We've spoken about it before [Ma and I] and I'm in total agreement with her that it's all about quality of life. If she's blind and deaf, there's not much quality there except for stuffing your face full of chocolates. We've got an agreement that if she wants to go that way then she can't go alone. Basically the family needs a chance to say goodbye and as morbid as it sounds I want to be there when she finally goes. I couldn't let her die alone and as much as my heart breaks at the thought of actually doing it, I couldn't sit back and not help. It's the least I owe her. She gave me life and if I have to I will give her death. It's just becoming more real. It was always just talk before. Now it could be a possibility and I wonder how on earth I'm going to handle it when the time comes, I'll just have to. I could go to jail as it's illegal here. It'd be worth it though. I dunno, I don't want to think about all the details too much just yet. She could still have years and years left and it's very likely that she's a good candidate for the cataract op. But it's all becoming a bit too real at the moment and I'm freaking out just a little.

Stoney broke at the moment and of course I've got a stack of bills, car rego and car insurance due, need to buy 2 new tyres [all them burnouts heheh] need a haircut. Why is it that when I have no cash or savings that I get hit with a bundle...

I'm gonna go and turn off my brain with a bit of The OC, yep I'm coming out of the closet and admitting I'm a fan. I just can't help it. I have two words for you Cam Gigandet.

*sigh*

Let me stick my needles in, and let me hurt you again

2006-06-07T17:31:00.000+10:00

Since I was bitching about work last time I've actually got interesting news this time. There could be some very exciting changes about to occur at work. Some of my long running problems could be resolved with the imminent departure of one resident thorn in my side aka fucktardassclown. I've heard that the new boss wants him gone, no second [well more like third] chances, no chance to prove himself - gone. Fuckin fantastic as that means I can absorb his staff and take on his role and amalgamate it with my team and fuckin streamline a whooooole shitload of processes. I'm going to put together a role proposal just incase fucktardassclown leaves. Just puts another notch on my scoreboard if I'm prepared with a proposal on how the whole shebang can be amalgamated and streamlined. I'm actually quite excited about the prospect and chuckling mercilessly to myself at fucktardassclown getting the boot. AND I managed to piss off another condescending, ignorant fucktard via the new boss so cue more chuckling because he's blaming the boss not me HAHA sucked in!

Had my nails done today and naturally they're looking fab. Two things bothering me though... okay make that three. Firstly for the last two appointments my nails girly has been chewing gum and normally I don't have a problem with that if it's discreet [if that's the right word for it] but the last two times she's been smacking and munching that gum like there's no tomorrow. Fuckin annoying! And the same irritating music that they've got on in the background has been now playing for the last 3 months... I'm surprised that she's not totally bonkers by now! [or maybe she is hence the gum mastication]. And the third is just a pet peeve in general, her mobile rang half way through the appointment and she excused herself to answer it and that's cool, if it was an emergency... but it wasn't and left me there for 5 mins. I just think it's unprofessional. At least she went out the back to talk instead of sitting there in front of me [I could still hear her though] but in a client service industry I just think that's wrong. The fact that she did it to me last appointment too is what gives me the shits. But hey, I'm building a bridge and I'm over it.

Am having a semi argument with Roger. I've been a bit terse with him lately, mainly due to the fact that he has this uncanny knack of coming for a social chat when I'm VERY busy so I've been a bit abrupt but figuring the friendly nature of our relationship that he could take a bit of shit. So he pipped me about it today so I apologised because basically it is my bad for taking my shit out on him and it's my problem not his. His reply was one massive guilt trip. I didn't think he'd be so damned petulant about it. Fuck I'm apologising for being a bitch [a rare occurance in itself] and he's gonna get all trippy on me. Fuck you and your high horse.

Now playing: Seether - Disclaimer II
Still reading: Golden Fox - Wilbur Smith

Cleansed and pure and weak, I suffer when I dream

2006-06-06T19:28:00.000+10:00

I have nothing to report. Sadly enough I caught up with someone I haven't seen in about 4 years and had even less to report. I've done absolutely nothing noteworthy in 4 years. I've gone to work, I've come home, repeat ad infinitum. Sad that I have no interesting factoids apart from that. No interesting holidays, no earth shattering events. nix, nada, zippo. Gotta do something about that pronto. It's very scary to think that the only newsworthy item in my life over the past 4 years is that I've quit pot, and that's not exactly something that I share with people because they didn't exactly know in the first place.

Speaking of pot, I'm either developing a brain tumour or something cuz I've been getting phantom smells lately. I'll be driving home from work when all of a sudden I can smell it so strongly... cravings at 10 months and 3 weeks... dammit!

I've been feeling pretty dark of late, another reason for the no postage apart from insane work. I won't bore you with the details. Just the usual bullshit which I'm getting a bit sick of. More bullshit later eh?

so come sit by the fire, and play a while

2006-05-30T18:29:00.000+10:00

Long time no blog. I've been working some crazy hours since the new boss has arrived. As I said before, things are really insecure at the moment. I feel a little more secure in my position but things are pretty turbulent at the moment. If I hear the big boss say "This is how we did it in my old organisation" one more time I'm going to scream. I don't give a fuck you you did it in your old workplace, welcome to hell - this is how we do it here. He's put a lot of people offside and had told me that he plans to make some big changes to the section. I just think that he needs to be VERY careful in how he goes about it because the folks in my section do not take to change very well at all and see it as a threat to themselves and their position. Some of it I welcome with open arms. It's nice to see some of my long running issues validated by a fresh persective. But he needs to be careful in how he deals with it all. My wicked side hopes that certain people will get the sack but I doubt it. I'll be keeping my fingers firmly x-ed though, you can count on that.

I sortof semi have a date with Ollie. We've got a group outing planned which he and I have organised. Group date I like cuz it's less pressure. My best mate set me a deadline of the end of the month to ask him out, [and I found out that he's not leaving at the end of June - thank dog] and I beat my deadline. I've had some really nice little conversations with him lately but today I'm feeling a little negative and down so you're in luck, no gushiness.

discovered a new shot - 747 - oh my head....

I'm housesitting for my Dad while he's jaunting around the country for the next two months.. mmm glorious broadband for two whole months. And y'know I'm quite proud of myself.... within 4 days of using his broadband I've racked up approx 800MB worth of downloads! heheh thank fuck his billing period is over soon and then I get a fresh load of MB allowance to play with. Considering that he has a 750MB account and has never gone over 200MB, I've pushed it to the limits. [and happy to pay the overflow] BitComet, I love you!

Gotta go and catch up on all the news in bloggerland. Haven't even had time to read blogs let alone update my own so I apologise for that folks.

Top 3:
1 - 747s, need I say more
2 - music, A Perfect Circle to be more precise, been in a bit of a Tool/APC glut recently.
3 - coming home. Ain't nothin like walkin in the door after a long day, flopping on the couch and sighing contentedly.
4 - yep 4... Sonic [the cd burner not hedgehog] discovered that my copy of Sonic converts any sort of music format, mp3, wma or wav etc to cda. Nerdy but fuck I love it for making cds! yay Sonic

Now playing: Muse - Showbiz
Now reading: Golden Fox - Wilbur Smith

and so it starts...

2006-05-17T18:28:00.000+10:00

Well the big boss has been on board for three days now and is already causing tension within the section. My worst nightmares have been realised in that he wants to change things just because. Or because that's how he did it in his old workplace. Not because it would benefit the organisation or improve current processes... oh no. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for change but change for a good reason, not just because. My little boss isn't happy and if she leaves and the big boss continues in his current vein then I'm looking for another job. I'm not having a repeat of fk. It's funny that it's almost a year ago that he left. Things have been so good since he left and now I feel really insecure again. Insecure isn't really the word but I don't think that unstable describes it well either. Unsettled, nervous, uncertain, all that sort of stuff. It's only early days so I'm going to give him time to settle in and all that but I would have thought that he'd give himself a little bit of time to get the lay of the land before going gungho. I think we're in for an interesting ride...

I was looking for a unique gift for a special friend and stumbled upon this:
Style Cufflinks

If you want a very cool pair of cufflinks then go to this site. They've got some great stuff. I've ordered these as my friend is a firey [and does actually wear cufflinks btw]

Haven't given you a top 3 in a while
1. Vodka
2. cinnamon vodka
3. lemon flavoured mineral water

feel the cynacism folks ahhhhh

send me money, send me money now

2006-05-16T20:13:00.000+10:00

I've found what I need to quell my deserted island fantasy - this

still shackled to the shadow

2006-05-12T18:49:00.000+10:00

Another hell week. I have underestimated and overestimated myself this week and have come out feeling... well, meh. I'm not going to piss and moan today [don't all drop dead of surprise at once] so that's all I'm going to say on the topic. Ok ok indulge me for just a second more. Highlights of the week - sitting through a 3 hour budget estimates meeting [snore] and [actual highlight] realising that in 1 month I will be in a new tax bracket. Yay boast boast yay!

My new big boss is now on board... I'm sure you'll be hearing all about it over the next couple of weeks.

On the upside I've been working on a cd project called "Car Tunes - songs to drive by" which is a 4 cd set which comes in Rocky 1 & 2 [The Rematch Of The Century], Boppy and Mellow flavourings. So pleased with it and Ollie will soon be an eager recipient [almost managed not to mention him teehee]. And during the process I've rediscovered some old music that I just love. Currently listening to Stone Temple Pilots old stuff. So neato bandito.

2 weeks til the girlies convene at my house for an all out piss up. In the works so far - snakes and ladders shots game, card drinking games and a little bit more drinking just for fun. Can't wait!

And just quietly it was my blog anniversary a couple of days ago. Can you believe that I've been here for a year already? AND I haven't been discovered [despite a little heart attack yesterday when reading in my History log that the sitemeter log brings up the site address that it's providing stats for so I guess the dudes at work haven't bothered to see what I'm checking stats for. Needless to say I'm not checking anything at work anymore] I want to say a personal thanks to Chris because you're the only one that has read me practically every day and I love you for it, even though you are mad ;}. Looking back over where I was a year ago... I've come a long way baby. I've been clean for almost 10 months [that shocks me right there] and managed not to replace pot with booze [she says sipping her vodka har har], have made leaps and bounds in the career department and am about to crack the $60k mark, making slow but steady progress in the relationship department, no progress in the weightloss department but then again I haven't put any effort there despite my best intentions. Still love Survivor [although it shit me to absolute tears that they vote off hottie Aras. boooo! Fuckin vote that psycho Shane off already!!!!]

now playing: Stone Temple Pilots - Core [for all you folks playing at home - title is track 5 Sin]
now reading: Golden Fox - Wilbur Smith [almost finished the Courtneys, on to the egyptian series next]

Tasks for the weekend

2006-05-05T20:14:00.000+10:00

I will clean up my desk:

I will not drink too much:

I will not think about sex with Ollie:

woe is me with a sprinkling of bitch and moan

2006-05-03T20:15:00.000+10:00

Well this is going to be another Ollie inspired, drool covered, slobbery post so feel free to skip it. No alcohol this time [dammit] so it's barely comprehendable. We've been talking a lot this last week and a half. A couple of weeks ago I decided that I was going to stop bugging him and let him contact me first and this last week and a half he's been initiating the conversations. *repeating mantra*

Look it could all be in my befuddled little head. He just makes me feel good. My first reaction upon seeing him was "woah who is THAT!?" The fact that we're so compatible on so many levels, the fact that he's a hotty, extra good sense of humour, witty, super good taste in music, blah de blah drool drool... I'm telling you now that he will be mine. Scary as it seems to me, he will be mine. I'm a patient girl. I like to get what I want. heheh if only I can get over my fear.

What's the worst that could happen huh? I have an 'in' on how to find out if he's staying or going so I'm going to find out soon. If he's going and I spill the beans and I get rejected then that's cool, he's outta here and I never have to see him again. And then you can prepare yourself for a drunken rambling vent. But if he's staying... I might chicken out. no no I can't think like that. I need to be brave and do something about it. Otherwise nothing will happen and a repeat of the whole JDub thing will happen [no word from him since his email either oh well] and I don't want that to happen. I just can't help but feel really highschool about it all. I get that same feeling that I did way back then, y'know the whole nervous stomach, sweaty palms, tongue tied n all. If he makes any reference to frosty beverages on Friday I'll be making some suggestions dammit. Still kicking myself in the ass for that. Hate that sort of hindsight.

Anyway that's enough for tonight, I think you get the point. Like the guy, like him a helluva lot.

still reading: Rage - Wilbur Smith
now playing: Cold - 13 ways to bleed onstage

Ugh... note to self

2006-04-30T15:35:00.000+10:00

Do not post after consuming more than 6 vodkas. Not good, can you say woe is me. Pity I'm not a believer in deleting posts. suffer suckers.

difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over

2006-04-28T18:14:00.000+10:00

How do you tell someone you like them? how do you take it to the level above friendship. Is it just supposed to happen or can I force it that way? It just feels so highschool to go up and say "heh heh I like you". I'm an adult dammit [well I pretend to be anyway]. I'm trying not to be such a chicken about Ollie. I want him and I WILL have him. Working in the same building just complicates it all because I rarely get to see him in a social setting. I think I'm just pissed because I missed an opportunity this afternoon. When he emails me in response to an email and adds "Man I need a beer" that would have been the supreme opportunity to say 'Cool lets go' and organise something but no no I'm a fuckwit... *sigh*

still reading: Rage - Wilbur Smith
now playing: A Perfect Circle - Mer de Noms live

if I could just change the hands of time...

2006-04-27T20:39:00.000+10:00

I seem to be bitching about work a lot again. Sorry bout that but I'm going to start up again so you might want to skip it if you're bored. I feel like time is speeding up again, I'm just going round and round in circles and not achieving anything. OK that's a lie because I did complete one of the 3 things I had to do and I've just spent the last 2 hours at home and completed the second. The third can sorta kinda wait but I'll probably just have a vent break here then tackle it into the wee hours of the night tonight. I had a pretty crappy day today and it's a good thing that I'm finally home because if one more person were to give me attitude today I was gonna have to go nuclear on their ass. I dunno if it's full moon or what. REALLY fuckin giving me the shits. Right royally. There are 3 people in my section who are letting the power go to their heads and pulling a few power trips outta the bag. A hearty fuck you to you three. Just test me tomorrow... just go right ahead. Ok building a bridge and getting over it. bring on the weekend....

Found some veg that cracked me up [you might have to click on them to get the full joke, in fact I encourage you to do it to get the full veggie experiance]:

the anniversary is looming

2006-04-21T20:16:00.000+10:00

Just looking over my archives for perverse reasons and May 10th will be my one year anniversary. It's really odd to think about where I was 1 year ago and where I am now. The only major achievement to date [apart from taking some excellent pix of M'lord] is that I've given up smoking pot every day. In fact this Monday was my 9 month anniversary. How odd it feels for me... I still dream about it a lot and I'd just about give my right arm for a smoke but I'm still strong and more importantly, proud of myself that I've been so strong when I've had a few temptations along that 9 month journey. But just glossing over the old May archives... it brings me right back to that time when two of my good friends were getting married. In particular my bestest friend. That was one of the most depressing moments of my life. Not so much that she was getting married but the fact that that day was so filled with love and joy and I felt so alone and apart from it all. After the reception [when I was so mightily pissed mind you] I got back to my lonely hotel room and just sobbed. There's only a couple of times that I've cried so hard. Breaking up with asshole1 [now renamed The Exman because he's not so much of an asshole] and asshole2 [who still remains an asshole]. Like absolutely sobbing, bodily crying which I never do. I felt so alone at that stage. Today... well today I feel like below ;}

pacify this hunger that's so cruel

2006-04-21T19:43:00.000+10:00

Argh that yearny feeling. Hate it! I watched Ollie's DVD last night and woah the subtext. See, there's things that I know about him that he doesn't know that I know. I can't tell you how I know either but it's juicy stuff. Anyhoo I emailed him this morning with my review of the dvd, which I promised him I'd do, so we've been chatting all day again. I can read so much into this dvd but like I promised myself, I'm not going to do that. But I got it right. It's a collection of music clips with an emotional colour theme which is Purple. When I was watching this I was thinking about why it's purple and it's a collection of bruised heart songs for me. And he told me that that is exactly why it's called Purple and I couldn't help but get all YAY I got it right.

There were stacks of my favourite songs on there [we have VERY similar taste in music] and it's one bond that I keep trying to reinforce with him. This is one guy that I want quite badly. I just wish that I wasn't such a chicken about it. I'm usually not like this. I go and get what I want but with him I'm scared. Which is a good sign for me ;} He's potentially leaving the organisation at the end of June so... I should make a move but I think I'm going to worm it out of him whether he's going to be extended or not. I have a perfect opportunity with him in October... but that's October... *sigh* I hate this but I won't let him leave without saying something. He feels like "The One" for me and I've never felt like that about anyone without the degree of certainty that I do with him.

Some things are better left unsaid

2006-04-20T19:26:00.000+10:00

It's been a weird day today... Got into work late [like lunchtime late] for reasons that I don't want to get into, needless to say I was cranky. Got to my desk and there's a DVD on my desk. From Ollie. Out of the blue. Woah. And of course the stoopid computer at work won't play it so I can't see what it is. So I email him and he emails me back and I email him back and we kinda chat all afternoon. Niiiice. *CG does happy dance all over the office* Gonna watch it once we're finished talking here, it's a compilation of music vids and you'll excuse me if I get all gushy here but somewhere the thought had to come along "well I might just make CG a copy" teehee YAY (that was me by the way not him). I will repeat to myself 20 times 'I will not read anything into this'. Okay maybe make it 50 times just for sinking in sake hmm? OK gushiness over.

Then I get a call from my Dad. He'd had a dizzy spell with the shakes and clammy cold sweat while in the mall having his coffee morning with the old farts. All the signs of a heart attack. Fuuuuuuuuck! He assures me that he's OK but is booked in to see his doctor in the arvo just to be sure, to be sure. I think it kinda gave him a scare. I could tell the second I spoke to him that something was wrong. There was just a tone in his voice. Kinda scared me too to tell the truth. I don't like this parents growing older thing. Aren't they sposed to live forever?

I just spoke to him a little while ago and all of his tests are clear and the doc is a bit puzzled as he seems super healthy [cholesterol is even down yay] but it certainly wasn't a mini stroke or heart attack. He's booked in for a cat scan tomorrow just to make sure that everything is a-ok. I'll have my fingers X-ed. Reminds me of one of my fave cartoons: [by the way you should Google Image search for "catscan" there are some hilarious search results of scanned cats.]

well I'm off to watch the dvd from Ollie and repeat my mantra 50 times...

now playing: Sevendust - Seasons
still reading: Rage - Wilbur Smith

run rabbit run rabbit run run run

2006-04-18T20:51:00.000+10:00

You know at 31 and 29, my Ma still likes doing an easter egg hunt for me and my brother. No problem... what I can't handle is that after all these years and all the hunts that we've had over the years my brother still manages to kick my ass at finding all the chocolate eggs. Some things will never change ;}

Happy Eggstravaganza

2006-04-15T10:47:00.000+10:00

Like Christmas, I just love some of the Easter cartoons that come around. So here are a couple of my faves while you're munching on your chockie goodness.

stick around and see the ugly look on my face

2006-04-11T23:53:00.000+10:00

I can't sleep so please find forthwith my brain dumping. I've been trying to sleep for the last hour and my mind is just going over shit and I can see that if I don't get it out then I'm not going to be able to sleep for another couple of hours. So here we go.

1. As you can tell things have been super busy. Haven't even had time for blogging. I've been getting home late an just been absolutely exhausted that I can't even think straight. On the plus side, I've got some serious flex racked up.

2. The kitchen is almost done. Finally have the benchtop and splashback in. Unfortunately the plumber and electrician can't come til after Easter to connect up all the appliances but I've got the long weekend to unpack and clean etc. It would have been nice to have those extra days to cook and bake. But I'll be all ready for that the weekend after. This has been a long time coming and I'll be so relieved when it's all over.

3. the thing that's had my brain occupied tonight is the fucked up meeting I had last thing this afternoon. This fucktard assclown of a resource manager and I had a meeting regarding a major project that I've been working on for the last 4 weeks and it just makes me fucking furious just thinking about the whole thing again. My supervisior was in the meeting as well and her attitude didn't help the whole situation either. She came into the meeting angry and just managed to escalate the whole thing and I'm the one that's going to have to deal with this fuckwit and this little meeting has just made that all the more difficult. I have a really hard time dealing with condescending, arrogant pricks that will just NOT listen and not give you the opportunity to speak or cut you off half way. If he had of shut up from the start it would have been a 20 minute meeting but oh no it dragged out to a 45 minute do se do your partner arguement that served no purpose. Everytime I dragged both of them back to me and what I was hoping to achieve in that meeting, one of them would provoke the other and it's swings and roundabouts again. I could have clobbered both of them for being retards. Fuck you both.

4. My big boss has left and already things have turned to shit. It would have been great to have his backup after this fuckeroonie meeting. We should have a replacement in the next month and I seriously hope it's an external person. I can't imagine anyone inhouse who could possibly do the job. fuck I hope not anyway. They've got some big shoes to fill so I hope it's not going to be turbulent times ahead.

5. I'm having a hard time keeping my assistant busy. Which is a good and bad thing. It's proving a challenge because I really wonder about other people and what I consider to be common sense. I don't want to blow smoke up my own ass but I must be one super capable person compared to some people.

6. Been having some interesting IM chats with Roger. Really interesting. And it's bothering me. I didn't get to talk to him tonight and I realised how much I wanted to talk to him even if it was just to distract myself from the afternoon's fucked up meeting. This is a bad thing because he's attached. And a flirt. Bad combination. baad.

7. So much to do and not enough time to do it in. I was lying in bed trying not to think about replaying the events of the meeting and found myself drafting emails and trying to solve a coupla issues I've got at work.

8. Looks like there's going to be some major changes for one of my staff after an internal audit of his role. I'm not overly surprised as I've had some serious beefs there but it could change in a way that will not be good for the section and we may have no control over what happens. Fasten your seatbelts and return your trays to the upright positions.

9. still gotta do my tax... and about half a dozen other things on the long standing To Do list...

where's the off switch? *sigh*

the words I'll never find

2006-04-03T22:09:00.000+10:00

As I mentioned before I haven't been able to stop thinking about my ex. Why do I keep going over everything after all this time? What makes me want to rip that scab off again? I've even been playing little fantasies about contacting him just to see what is happening in his life, whether he actually got his shit together, is he married yet [I doubt it], did he ever finish his degree, is he still on lithium, does he still see Zak, does he still think about Robert, does he still write, all that fucked up shit. I want to hear him sing again. His gigs have gotten great reviews, no great suprise because he's a great singer and a mean showman and I'm glad he's in a band again. I know how much that meant to him. this is just stoopid, I mean it's 10 years since we were together.

I know that I'm over him but I guess it's the whole "first love" thing. Another friend of mine sent me some photos from his gig the other weekend. Even though he's all porky [hey I can't talk] and has a Vanilla Ice chock, he still looks good. There's one photo where he's got that cheeky smile that used to give me butterflies, and still does. HATE that. I wish my traitor fingers would just press delete and build a fuckin bridge. Why after all this time do I want to think about this shit? Trust me, I don't want to get back with him but I can't seem to stop going over our relationship all the time.

I think that part of it was the whole emotional intensity thing. I want that back. At the time we were two lost souls who found each other for a short time. We just clicked and we were each others world. But of course that never lasts. But while it lasted it was so sweet. I want to mean something to someone. It's been such a crazy long time I don't even want to think about it.

Damn brain. Fuck you too.

you are feeling veerrrrry sleeeepy, your eyes are feeeling verrrry heavyyyy

2006-03-29T00:30:00.000+11:00

I can't sleep. I should be in my nice warm bed but I just can't fall off that deep abyss into sleep. I've gotta get up early in the morning and it's nearly 1am. I'm tired, my eyes are grainy but I'm not sleepy. So I'm having a brain dump. Please find forthwith the reasons I can't sleep:

1. to quote Shakespeare: Oh bloody period [from the end of Othello, always have to chuckle at that line] and the doctor from Lost in Space: Oh the pain, the pain!

2. work. why is it that my brain starts thinking about work when I'm trying to sleep? thinking about all the unresolved issues that need solutions, thinking about what I didn't do today, drafting letters, how I need more hours in the day etc.

3. thinking about the Exman. I made the mistake, actually mistake is the wrong word... can't think of the right word but I reread some of the love letters I've kept from him. After not seeing him the other weekend I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. It's not so much him per se but the time we spent together and the intensity of our relationship. Reading those letters brought back all the nervous in the guts feelings I had when we were first going out, that jelly knees feeling. When I admit it to myself [when I'm not in a bitter and jaded mood] he's the first guy that I truely loved. I want to see him again and see how he's doing. Even if he is plump and wears leatha pants ;}

I wish I could distill the emotional intensity of that relationship with the sexual intensity of the relationship with asshole2. Not that any relationship is ever perfect but is the type of relationship that I want now. I wish I wasn't such a chicken when it comes to Ollie. He could potentially be leaving work at the end of June, his contract is up then and I have no idea if he'll be renewed. I can find out but if he does leave... ? But [and maybe I've watched too much Oprah] I figure that if he like liked me then I'd know about it. He's just not that in to me. I could read too much into everything that he says or does [which I do anyway] but I think that if it was real then I'd really know about it and we'd be together. I think that's the way that guys work [unless he's really shy]. I know that guys like girls to approach themn first but at the same time I know from my guy friends that if there's a girl that they like then they go after them bigtime. So I'm happy to be friends. Well no I'm not but I'll settle for being friends. And then I'll drool about him and bitch to you at the unfairness of it all ;} [hey, I'm tired so shutup]

4. speaking of drooling, did I mention that coffeeboy is back at work? nice to have some eyecandy back in the cafe. He's filled out a bit and damn it looks good on him. He was bitching today that he's put on 15kgs while he's been away and I had to bite my tongue on the half a dozen smartass replies that sprung to mind.

5. tax, haven't done my frucking tax yet. And gotta pay my bills before they cut me off.

6. I feel like I'm getting a cold but it's only in one nostril which is pissing me off. I lie one way and my nostril blocks up and I lie the other way and it unblocks. annoying!

7. the fan in my bedroom has developed an intermittant squeak. At least it could be consistant so that it could perhaps be a fraction lulling but nooo the odd squeak just jolts me awake as I'm drifting off further compounding my lack of sleep action [or is that non action..] Can't work out where the squeak is coming from..stoopid fan... BUT on the plus, we go back to daylight savings next weekend which means that winter is just around the corner YAY! I love winter! bring on the chilly nights and frosty mornings. fuckin A! I hate summer, too bloody hot.

8. I've got a medley of Sevendust songs going around in my head and it's keeping me awake.

9. thinking of cleaning the house of all things. I've been a bit lax with the domestic duties of late and it needs a bit of attention. which I was going to do tonight but was just too bloody buggered and couldn't be bothered. I blame it on Survivor Exile Island for waylaying me. Looks like a good season. I love the idea of the Exile Island and I'd be putting my hand up to stay there [me and my deserted island fantasy and all]. No super hotties but should be good anyway ;}

10. I've already read a bit of my book before bed and if I read anymore I'll be dreaming of it again like the night before last when I was helping setting up the African Miners union and waking myself up by talking in my sleep.

Okay I'm headed back under the covers, wish me luck. To misquote Shakeybaby again: [what's with the midnight quotes eh?] Off damn brain, off I say!

petting the sweaty things

2006-03-28T18:21:00.000+11:00

Been having a bit of a peach inspediment at the moment so I dare not write too much. Freudian slip of the weekend: I was talking to my brother about pot [well lack thereof really] and out pops "old habits die high" teehee!

Or how about yesterday as I'm walking out of the building with my assistant talking about Sawyer and as we go past the lockers in the basement I point at my locker and say "that's my lawyer". *unties knot in tongue*

After the day I had today there's going to be some serious ass kicking tomorrow if it continues. I'm not going to bore you tonight only because I'm saving the juicy goodness for tomorrow should said ass whupin ensue.

Off to relax with a cinnyvod and the first episode of Survivor: Island Exile yeah baby!

Now my mind is at standstill as I breathe to get away

2006-03-24T19:09:00.000+11:00

ahhh it's Friday and I was going to post a long ranty post today [maybe tomorrow] but I've had waaaay too many cinnamon vodkas and now I just don't feel like it so have this instead: [my apologies to anyone I may have commented tonight AHAHA!]

Laffed my ass off - went to get my Goth name as per Lady Muck's instruction and my Goth name is Leather Pleasure - OH SO TRUE! eeeheheheheheheh or else it's Bondage Slut using my nickname and last name or else it's Velvet Vamp using Ollie's last name teehee! Ollie's name is Velvet Rain Drops HAHA!

As well as having my 2000th customer, have I mentioned that I've had at least 25 hits from my last nails pic? dunno what these people are searching for when they've come across my nails but just for an update sake here is today's nails update. I'm wearing trashy barbie pink Ozotic polish which is seriously neato bandito [even if it's expensive it's so worth it]. It's got little mirror chips in it so as you can see it's tres trashy. Actually the pink on the website is what I have on. I've also got the flame red, purpley green and the purpley orange [on the left on the website] - so hot! If you absolutely must have some email me.

Gratuitous M'Lord pic [only because he happened to be on my camera as I'm downloading nail pix]

All curled up on my kitchen boxes

and giving me his green eyed stare

Scary how much work is starting to take over personal life. In the last two days I've almost answered my home phone with Good afternoon CG speaking. *sigh*

And fuck you Hermes for your latest post [I still love you] but damn I can almost taste it. It's been 8 months without a smoke and oh my god do I dream about it and think about it way too much. Every time I'm out I'm just hoping someone will spark up some shit bud just for the smell or the taste. ARGH! My problem not his but oh my fuckin god I want a smoke...

still playing: Sevendust - Animosity and Home
still reading: Power of the Sword - Wilbur Smith

Quick to the point, to the point no faking

2006-03-20T17:11:00.000+11:00

Typical, just typical...

so Saturday... Had dinner with the gals and levelled with them that I was chickening out on going out afterwards because of the exman. They were cool and bok boked at me but they've all been there at one stage or another. So I head home and at 11:30 I get a series of pix sent to my phone.

Here I was worried about how *I* look... I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. the Exman is now plumper than I am and was sporting not only a blonde Vanilla Ice chock hairstyle but wearing rockstar leather pants. And I thought I looked bad... woah Ice Ice baby to GO! Spookily enough he looks quite a bit like that Vanilla Ice pic. When I think of all the times we bagged out the local musos for being rockstar posers... I just wonder what the hell happened... and then I sit back and laugh a little more. Who cares!

bok bok brawk!

2006-03-17T19:23:00.000+11:00

I am a serious chicken. I'm kicking myself in my feathery ass. I'm going out for dinner on Saturday with some friends and one of them told me that we're all going out afterwards to see a friend's band play. Cool no problem. She then casually mentions that my ex's new band will also be playing. CRAP! I can't stand the thought of seeing him again... why? No, not because he smushed my heart to a bloody pulp or because I still have tiny, miniscule, microscopic feelings for him. Why? Because I don't want him to see how fat I have become since we split. fuck I'm an idiot. The idea of seeing him again horrifies me so much that I'm trying to devise schemes of how I can have dinner and then skip out on the band watching. [oh okay maybe it has something to do with those other two reasons but not by much] I'll do just about anything to get out of it. All suggestions welcome of course - and no I can't just go and enjoy myself because that's just not an option dammit!

Option a) go to dinner then get someone to call me at a designated time and call me away to some emergency [have to work out what that will be as it's gotta be pretty bloody good if it's going to be believable]

Option b) find some excuse not to go at all [but I don't really want to do that as I do want to catch up with these gals]

Option c) go to dinner and the club but try to avoid the Exman all night - possible but waaaay to risky.

Option d) no fucking idea!!! My featherbrain is just not coming up with any feasable ideas and all the above are just way too cheesy.

fuck fuck fuck fuckinshit fuckity FUCK!

walking through a field with no solitude

2006-03-16T18:46:00.000+11:00

Damn you full moon!!! Talk about hell day. GEEEEZ! Why is it that everyone wants everything at once on full moon day? I had a 10 minute lunch break today and had to divert my phone just so that I could eat in peace. Thank god for the public holiday on Monday - although I'm half tempted to go into work while no one is there. Perfect time to get shit done wihtout any interruptions. We'll see.

My assistant is working out well. Head down, bum up so I'm happy. I'll just be happier when we've fast forwarded two months and she's half finished the long standing project work that's been assigned to her which puts me ahead as well. Patience CG patience... I'm currently relaxing with my dear friends Tia and Maria ;}

I don't know if it's just because it's ovulation time or what but I've been having some interesting chats with, lets call him Roger - the guy I was telling you about a little while ago who is applying for my big boss' job. He's a cheeky bugger. It's the scorpio gemini fascination all over again. Very interesting and it's so much fun having someone to word spar with. He's got such a quick wit which I really admire in people. Pity he's attached but I get the feeling that that isn't an issue with him. It is with me so nothing will ever happen but lets just say that he's a serious flirt [as most gems are] And Ollie has been reappearing on the radar. He owes me a Sevendust CD which he has promised me tomorrow and in fact I've seen him every day this week. I seriously want to marry him and have his babies. Now that is the ovaries talking ;} *sigh* that's enough before I start seriously gushing with the mushy stuff.

still playing: Sevendust
still reading: Power of the Sword - Wilbur Smith

How would it feel if you could

2006-03-14T19:43:00.000+11:00

Got a nice email today and thought I'd share cuz I'm in a fuzzy mood:

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.

Never frown even when you are sad because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.

Don't waste your time on a man/woman who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the person we will know how to be grateful.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

There is always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.

Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.

Remember: Everything happens for a reason.

now playing: Sevendust
now reading: Power of the Sword - Wilbur Smith

pack it up, pack it in, let me begin

2006-03-12T17:02:00.000+11:00

Welcome to my 200th post! can you believe it?

Today has been one of those sighing kind of days. I'm not sure if it's because I'm hungover, because it's Sunday or if I'm just severely disappointed in human beings. It's just been small things that have been getting to me. Maybe I just expect too much from people? Let's not go there now. I think I'm just tired and in a bitchin mood.

Went shopping today to spend my $100 at Myers and managed to spend it all and have 18 cents left over. I did end up getting kitcheny stuff, just little things that I've wanted/needed and could never really justify the money. Now if only I could use them... Just a few more weeks to wait. Everything is ready to go, just waiting for my benchtop to be installed then the final appliances and then hey presto! I'm getting really impatient now, can't wait til it's done!

Next week should be good, my assistant starts on Tuesday, getting my nails done and my fabbo dresser/sideboard should be done. I've been restoring this funky 60's dresser/sideboard and I should have it done by the end of the week. I'll post you a pic once it's done. I'm so proud :]

now playing: MP3 mix
still reading: The Burning Shore - Wilbur Smith

your love is fine in a better way

2006-03-10T18:40:00.000+11:00

Why do all the good ones have to be taken? I was almost going to mention this yesterday but thought I wouldn't bore you with the details. *sigh* but after today... Had a 2 hour meeting yesterday with such a cool guy. Like really icey cool. He's not normally what I'd go for physically but mentally... oh lala. Had another hour long chat with him today under the guise of worky type stuff. Unfortunately he's got a defacto but damn he's mentally the type of guy I'm after and he's so easy to talk to. Also unfortunately he could possibly be my new boss. I've encouraged him to apply for my big bosses job as he certainly has the experiance, the smarts and the right attitude for the job. I have a strong feeling that if he does apply that he'd get the job. It would just mean that we couldn't have our candid chats. But I'd be happy with the fact that he'd be my boss. I'd really enjoy working for him.

Oh yeah, karma kicked me in the ass this morning for laughing so hard at Scott C's discovery of his first grey hair, albeit a grey nostril hair, as I found not one but two grey hairs... in my eyebrows - one each. This makes a total of 3 grey hairs in the eyebrows. I spose I should be counting myself lucky that they're not 'real' grey hairs but even so... not happy Jan.

now playing: mp3 mix
now reading: the Burning Shore - Wilbur Shore

shake what your momma gave you

2006-03-09T19:08:00.000+11:00

I have an assistant!! For the last 2 years I've been promised an assistant and last week I was given the green light. As of yesterday I have successfully recruited an assistant. She'll start next week, poor girl doesn't know what she's in for mwaaahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! And for my petty bitch and moan for the day - it really shits me to tears when you read people's resumes that say that they have good attention to details skills and then will have a bunch of typos. No, no you don't buddy... use a fuckin spellchecker wouldya? sheesh!

It's funny how my brain works, I've been procrastinating on a particular email I need to write and I was using the recruitment as an excuse as it was foremost in my mind - and my dreams too which has been a bit annoying as I haven't been able to escape it. But I slept relatively well last night as I had a bit of closure with the appointment of my lackey and this morning I woke up and had the right words for the email. Very interesting.

And I won a $100 gift voucher to Myers today! Niiiice. I'm going shopping on the weekend and I'll probably buy some kitcheny stuff that I've been after. My kitchen should be done in a couple of weeks. Can't wait to cook again. It has been positively ages.

I got a neato horoscope in the weekend paper:

"There's a change of pace and direction coming up that will make you very happy: you can sense it already."

Hey if it's in the paper it has to be true, right? ;] 'bout bloody time if you ask me. I've been feeling really weird lately but that's a whole other post for another time. Right now I've gotta get some food before I pass out.

Top 3:
1. $100 gift vouchers yeah baby!!
2. people with a quick wit, I can't express how much I enjoy bantering with someone who is so quick you almost miss their comments. MUCH appreciated!
3. the future and what it may hold, tis all good my friends, tis all good.

Now reading: The Burning Shore - Wilbur Smith
Now playing: Duran Duran mix

Me Me Me!

2006-03-07T20:24:00.000+11:00

Only because Kate told me to ;} [you know I'm a sucker for these things]

1 For the purposes of this exercise my name is CG - if I told you my real name I'd have a higher percentage of being found out as my real life name is unique and I live in a relatively small town [pop 309,500ish] [and then I'd have to kill you]

2 I'm named after a renaissance painter's wife and my middle name after a Queen mother [not the British one]

3 There are various paintings of my namesake, I have a copy of one hanging on my wall at home.

4 I've also had a sculpture named after me which was entered into a competition and won second prize.

5 My fathers side of the family can be traced back to 1190 and I'm related to royalty waaaay back there. My ancestors were not convicts.

6 I come from a very creative family. My mother's side of the family are all painters and sculptors and my mother's uncle worked on restoring The Night Watch.

7 As a result I'm pretty creative, I paint, sculpt, draw, bead, sew, weave, been involved in the theatre in a backstage capacity for 18 years and am obsessed with interior design.

8 My little brother is my idol, he constantly amazes me with his talents and personality. I want to be just like him when I grow up. I think he's a better person than I ever will be and I'm glad that he's learned from my mistakes.

9 I've always wanted to have a close relationship with my grandparents but it never happened because we moved so often. Now that they're all gone I regret not making more of an effort.

10 I have visited or lived on every continent.

11 I secretly wish my parents would get back together even though they've been divorced for 14 years. At least they're good friends.

12 My family is very close despite the divorce and in some ways I think the divorce brought us all closer.

13 I'm over protective of my Mum and punched out her last boyfriend for 'abusing' her. I had to be restrained before I did him some serious damage. [this psycho killed one of her male friend's cat because he was jealous that she was having dinner with another male, he used to sneak under her house to see who was visiting her etc etc etc - a real fuckin psycho asshole]

14 Apart from psycho asshole there I've never picked a fight but have been in a few fistfights in highschool. I'm really tall and it was always the shorties with something to prove that picked me. In all those fights I've never 'lost'... heheh two hits... [me hitting you, you hitting the floor]

15 I thought I was queen shit of turd mountain in the last two years of highschool and had a rep as a toughie although never really did anything seriously bad to deserve it. Although I guess a few fist fights and being in detention a lot for skipping classes helped.

16 I've known my bestest friend for 18 years, we met in highschool and we've never had an argument.

17 I hated my next bestest friend and her group in highschool. We've been friends for the last 13 years

18 We've almost always had a cat in the family but I'd still like to have a dog.

19 His Lordship is the first cat that I've ever purchased. All our other cats have adopted us.

20 His Lordship's real name is really funny but I can't tell you that either cuz enough people know it blah blah see 1.

21 I screen calls when I'm home. The important people in my life know this and will chatter a bit on the machine until I pick up. I hate being bugged by telesales people but I will be polite when I tell them to bugger off as they're human too.

22 I won't answer the door if I see hawkers through the doorpeep.

23 I've been waxing since I was 14 and hardly grow any hair anymore and I LOVE the feeling of being waxed.

24 I love the smell of the inside of a washing machine and the inside of a M&Ms packet

25 I know what I want to be when I grow up but I don't know how to get there.

26 This frustrates the hell out of me! The longer it goes on the stronger the urge is.

27 I think I'm sexual deviant. I'm not normal. I've had over 12,410 orgasms and want to have my own bondage dungeon.

28 Further to that, there's not a lot I haven't seen or done.

29 I have more porn than anyone I know and have actually discovered some boring porn.

30 I can't stand it when people stop and have a chat in the middle of a busy walkway at the mall and I have to restrain myself from making snide comments as I pass.

31 I hate the way other people drive like maniacs.

32 My biggest pet peev is bad customer service in a customer service industry. Drives me batshit!

33 That being said I strive for customer service excellence and won 4 CEO awards for it in 2004. YAY me!

34 I'd love to be an events manager or wedding planner. So up my alley organising all the little details.

35 Like Kate, I'd love to open my own restaurant [or cafe or bar]

36 In fact I agree with Kate on her points 11 [although I haven't cooked for the last 6 months as my kitchen is in the process of being renovated], 15, 16, 17, 18, 25, 29 [wore out The Breakfast Club on video twice so had to buy it on DVD], 31, 34, 36, 38, 39 oh hell just about all of them... she is my doppelganger after all

37 I'm scared of twisting my ankle and falling down the stairs. For some reason I think about it a lot.

38 I don't understand politics. It's all shit to me.

39 I can wiggle my middle toe independently of the others. On both feet.

40 I love Lost and Survivor especially since I have a deserted island fantasy. I'm not really sure why it appeals to me so much but I'd love to be on a deserted island [or own my own island so I can pretend!]

41 I love puzzles, brain teasers, crosswords, riddles and secrets.

42 I find it really hard to make top 5 lists of movies or music because I like so many so I have to redefine it into top 5 right now or top 5 of all time because they're very different lists.

43 I fuckin like to fuckin swear, a fuckin lot.

44 I'm not religious although I'd like to believe that there's something out there watching over us and guiding us. Whether it's "God" or spirit or Gaia or whatever. Guess that makes me sortof agnostic.

45 I believe that people should have the right to believe in whatever entity they want and not be judged or attacked for it.

46 That being said I don't understand holy wars. I don't understand how people have the strength of belief in something they can't prove. And in some ways I'm envious of that faith.

47 I’m scared of World War III happening in my lifetime.

48 I could quite happily get cosmetic surgery. No problemo.

49 I develop crushes too easily.

50 I hate it when people talk at you and don't listen to what you're saying. Like they're just waiting for to finish talking so that they can speak again.

51 Out of all the superpowers there are I'd like to be able to fly and read minds.

52 I can't live without my sunglasses

53 I must have at least one coffee in the morning or else the people in my vicinity just aren't safe. I am not a morning person. It's a 'rule' that's joked about at work - Do not ask CG dumb questions before first coffee.

54 I sleep really badly and have extremely vivid dreams all night and wake up feeling unrefreshed. I used to sleep walk a lot and occasionally have the odd wander around the house when I'm asleep. Usually about once a year [or more if I'm seriously stressed] I've been a bad sleeper since birth.

55 I always remember my dreams and keep a dream journal

56 The weirdest recurring dream I have is that I can touch my toes while sitting with my legs outstretched, or that I can do the splits and do that. Of course I have the usual plane crashing, falling off cliffs and sex dreams as recurring dreams but I think that’s the oddest one of the recurring ones.

57 I've experienced deja vu from past dreams so I sort of believe in my dreams as I have dreamt of things happening in the future which have come true. I certainly pay attention to my dreams. Very spooky that.

58 I really want my mum to be a grandmother before she dies.

59 I'm scared of losing her to this brain tumour too quickly. It tears my heart to shreds to even think of losing her. While she drives me crazy sometimes I can't imagine what I'd do without her.

60 I’m also scared of physically not being able to have a child

61 I was pregnant when I was 19 and was beaten until I miscarried and since then I’ve had troubles with the ole womanly parts which is why I’m worried about 60. And I’m not getting any younger so my fertility is diminishing with every day that passes.

62 At the same time, kids can really shit me and I wonder how I’ll cope being a parent. I think I’ll be a good mother but I wonder how my patience will hold up considering it’s my own kid.

63 I hope my child turns out nothing like me.

64 And I really want a boy, I think I’d be a little bit disappointed if I had a girl if I’m honest with myself.

65 I cry at sad movies, happy movies too! Small kindnesses make me cry too. Just can't help myself - crybaby ;}

66 I still miss smoking pot. Even dreamed about sparking up last night. damn those vivid dreams.

67 I’m not as clever as I pretend to be. I often wonder how much smoking pot for so long has done to my brain and I thank god for the coping /cover up skills I’ve developed

68 I have a tattoo and want more

69 I love being a smartass and I usually get away with it as I do it in a cheeky matey matey way.

70 I love peanut butter and black current jam sandwiches, preferably on toast.

71 I love any sort of chocolate and peanut/peanut butter combination like Peanut butter M&M's Butterfingers, Reeces Pieces Peanut butter cups

72 love pancakes with bacon and maple syrup

73 I don't like Kiwi fruit [unless it's really sour and tangy], lychees, water chestnut or lamb

74 I have a facial and a pedicure every Sunday and change the toe paint then too.

75 I try on every cute guy's last name... just in case it rings true.

76 I love reading the Sunday paper in the sun with the cat on my lap. True bliss

77 I don't like singing in public or in front of people, to the point where I often mouth Happy Birthday, but I love to sing at home or in the car when I know that no one is listening.

78 I'm a bit dyslexic, even when I type but because I can type fast, the delete key is often in use.

79 I really want to drive a Mac truck, just once.

80 I hated school, so much I can’t even express it. I laugh whenever people say that school times was the best times in their lives. No no, not for me. I couldn’t wait to get out and every minute I’ve spent out of school has been my best time.

81 I won't leave the house without my eye makeup but I rarely wear lipstick.

82 I don’t like how I look without makeup and can be lazy about taking it off at night

83 I've been in 6 car accidents, 3 in which I was driving, two of which I was at fault. No serious injuries in any of them thanks to seat belts. The closest, most nastiest one was with a friend driving in a 4 wheel drive and she flipped the car a couple of times and we ended up upside down. I had only just put my seat belt back on as the Coca Cola had fallen on the floor and I couldn't reach with my seatbelt on. I've been VERY lucky. The 'funny' thing is that once we'd landed, the tape deck was the only thing still working and it was still playing and to this day I can't listen to Jimmy Barnes when he sings "River Deep, Mountain high", gives me the willys.

84 I always make a wish on a falling star, wishbone or when I'm blowing out candles.

85 I hate ironing and avoid it whenever possible

86 I almost never make my bed. I reckon that I'm only going to mess it up in a couple of hours anyway. BUT I do love fresh sheets and that's probably the only time my bed resembles a made bed. heheh although if there's someone coming over that needs impressing I can manage to drag the covers in an orderly fashion

87 I'm always on time or 5 minutes early. I'm a real stickler for being on time and if I'm not going to make it on time for some reason I always call. I hate being late!

88 Speaking of time, I've had the same alarm clock since I was 8

89 I don’t know how to forgive or forget. I wish oh wish I did.

90 I often want to runaway and not tell anyone. Just runaway and forget about everything. Sometimes being an adult sucks ass.

91 I love playing cards

92 I think I’m boring but I know I’m not

93 I wish that people could see me the way I see myself. Well certain aspects of me that I don’t share for whatever self preservation bullshit I spin myself.

94 I wish I could just let go and BE

95 I’m shit scared of flight turbulence. To the point where I’ll come off the plane with bleeding palms from digging my nails in my palms from clenching my fists so tightly. Stoopid thing is that I know that there’s nothing I can do about it and I know I‘m being dumb, it’s just a control thing.

96 By the same token, I’m not a good car passenger. It’s because I’m not driving.

97 There is no such thing as third chances with me. You only get one second chance and after that…zip. No third time lucky because in my experiences there's been no such thing.

98 I don’t like walking into a crowded room alone. Makes me really uncomfortable.

99 Like TBC’s recent post, I often feel like the odd one out. I think it stems from a lot of things but that’s a whole other post

100 I can't pee if someone is within earshot. It's just physically impossible :]

in the middle of my thoughts

2006-02-23T21:45:00.000+11:00

Saw a neat bumper sticker on the way home today:

Just imagine what you could do if you knew you couldn't fail.

I like that. I think it's just what I needed at the moment. I think my fear of failure surpasses the will to succeed sometimes even though that's what I dream of most.

like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown

2006-02-22T22:26:00.000+11:00

I'm trying to blog more than once a week as has been the trend of the last couple of weeks but things are just so hectic. So many things to do, not enough time! I've thought of half a dozen posts but getting around to sitting down in front of the laptop seems to be difficult. I promise to make a more of an effort.

Got some devastating news today. My big boss is moving to Tasmania. This means big things for our section and I'm not happy about it. I'm happy for him but not happy about the predicament he leaves us in. I really hope that his replacement comes from outside the organisation because I really can't think of anyone who would be suitable. Just when we've gotten things running really smoothly. Oh well, not much I can do about it but I'm sure you'll be hearing about it in the coming months.

MrP's wife had her baby on Sunday... heheh I'm not really sure if it's a boy or a girl yet as it's name is a bit ambiguous. I'm going to see them on the weekend so I'll find out then ;}. But tis healthy which is the main thing. I think he's in a bit of shock but it's what he's wanted so that's the main thing.

Found out that my goddaughters grandfather died last week. Unfortunately her father found out from his cousin while at a bar. He was at the bar on Sunday playing pool when his cousin came up to him and said "I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, please let me know when the funeral is". He was totally shocked because his father had died on Tuesday of the week before and no one had bothered telling him. How awful for him! They were expecting his Dad to pop off soon as he hadn't been well in a long time but the fact that no one made the effort to contact him when he only lived an hour or so away is just incomprehensible.

My kitchen is almost finished. Getting the final benchtop measurements tomorrow then the electrician on friday morning then it's just up to the benchtop delivery then hey presto! It'll be nice to be able to cook again. it's been a bloody long time so I'd love to spend 2 days cooking and just have a massive feast to celebrate.

I've got a whole stack of things I could bitch about but I'm just too tired, gotta get some sleep [which seems to also be eluding me along with all the hours in the day]

Did one of those personality test things at work and this is what it thinks of me:

Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and
brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong
clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality.

Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less
talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and
hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give
up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked Loves to be alone.

Thinks differently from others.
Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciates praises.
High-spirited........ Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions.
Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High
abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions.
Unpredictable

Spot on really :]

Now playing: the radio
Now reading: The Burning Shore - Wilbur Smith

every day is a new day

2006-02-15T22:56:00.000+11:00

I wish I had something exciting to tell you but it's no news as usual. So some funnies...

This is work safe and totally not what it looks like but man it cracked me up:

Fluffy Diseases at http://www.boneroom.com/misc/toys.htm

And to pilfer something I saw at the Anonymous Cog's blog - Terry Tate - Office Linebacker http://www.milkandcookies.com/keywords/terrytate/ but there's a few more on this site because one just isn't enough.

Have I told you that I hate Valentines day? Not because it's a day for smug couples to make singletons feel like crap but because on this day [well it was really Valentines Day night] about 10 years ago that I got in a major car accident. Wiped out my "friend's" car, wiped out a taxi all while the owner of the car was passed out in the back of the car. He slept right through it and the cops had to wake him up about half an hour afterwards. So in the space of 2 seconds I managed to get myself into $12,000 debt, lost the guy that I was interested in at the time thanks to the other girl in the car with us and developed a hate for touchy revved up red Toranas. Oh not only that but I got fined because my drivers licence had expired the week before and I hadn't gotten around to renewing it so I got fined for being unlicenced and I was .000000000001 over the limit as I'd had one glass of alcohol years ago and so I got fined for being over the limit as well. Happy Valentines day eh? I've never really had much luck with Valentines day, seems to be my Friday 13th. So needless to say I had a crap day yesterday and had to put up with smug couples making me feel extra single. Of course you realise that if I was in a relationship that I'd love V day ;}

in the end, it doesn't even matter

2006-02-07T21:40:00.000+11:00

Coupla blasts from the past today. As you know I'm a member of one of those internet dating sites and I keep finding guys that I know in real life popping up on the site which makes me chuckle to see how they describe themselves etc. Today's discovery was Meatboy [his actual nickname in real life not his name on the site]. I met this dude when I first came back from my adventures overseas. When I came back I was in a bit of a lull and spent most of my time dole bludging, smoking pot and drinking. There was this pub called the Terminus and they had excellent live music and I fast became a regular and got to know one of the groups of long haired louts and lasses down there. I could tell you lots of funny stories about those times and I probably should tell you some more juicy stories, it has been a while. Meatboy being one of them. Meatboy was so named because he was a butcher at the time [probably still is y'know, actually last time I bumped into him he was chopping at a shop close to me. I really should look him up for laffs] and use to keep us all in meat at 5 finger discount prices. He looks really good in his pic but he's so not the kinda guy I'm looking for but we had a lot of good times together.

And on the subject of internet dating sites, I think it's seriously tacky to post a pic of yourself which is a photo of you and a girl together and she's been cut off. I'm not sure why it bugs me so much but if I see it it's an automatic pass. yep I'm shallow. ;] This internet dating thing is just clutching to a possibility. I don't seriously expect to meet Mr Right but I can't look away just in case. You never know right? Gotta be in it to win it.

It's scary how fast time flies. Spoke to my good friend MrP who got married last May [see May archives for full details of the Adelaide trip] and he mentioned that his wife was due yesterday, which means that any time now he's going to be a Dad. Woah.. a Dad. Mondo bizzaro. I don't think he's quite ready for it but I'm sure he'll cope.

Can you believe that it's been six and a half months since I stopped smoking pot? Talk about time flying. It just doesn't seem that long but at the same time it does. I've been having cravings lately which makes me think about it. Caught myself thinking 'I should just have a smoke and see how I go, I can stop, I know I can'. Old habits die hard eh? I think I'm just getting bored again. I promised myself that I wouldn't smoke for at least a year so I'm already half way through. Once I've made it through the year I'm just going to renew my contract with myself and make it for another year and so on. I think it's the only way I can do it. Now I just need to make a contract with myself to exercise everyday.

Went for my fitness assessment today [more like unfitness assessment]. Wasn't too bad, no big surprises anyway. And then I went for my walk around the lake this afternoon and got an attack of the shin splints. It wasn't as bad as two weeks ago when my legs literally siezed up but oh the pain. I'm lying in bed while I type and just that 30 minute walk hurt more than either of the hour and a half walks I did last week. I don't get it. The only thing I can chalk it up to is that I walk faster when I'm walking alone instead of with Loz and her doggie chums. It's been great walking with her as I get to spend some serious quality time with my surrogate dogs.

No word from JDub. That sucks.

Top 3:
1. honest upfront people who are committed to change and aren't afraid to speak their minds
2. excellent music playing through mp3 goodness while sitting on a bench watching the sun glitter on the little wavelets of the lake. Soft breeze taking the heat off the day and bringing the smell of dry summer grass to your nostrils. Too good [even through shin splinty pain]
3. dreams - although this is also a bad thing because I've been having extra odd dreams lately and waking up thinking that I need to be remembering something but I'm not sure what. I like those dreams where you wake up and really have to think about whether it really happened or if it was a dream. Interesting that grey matter of mine.

now playing: Linkin Park - Reanimation [what else]
now reading: The Burning Shore - Wilbur Smith [I really want to go to Africa after being totally engrossed in this series of books]

hold the phones folks

2006-02-02T18:45:00.000+11:00

We have a new contender for the top of the drool list. Hello Wentworth Miller!

I was watching the first episode of Prison Break last night and it looks like it's going to be an interesting series as well as visually entertaining. Woah the broody looks and intense eyes. And go the shaved head. Can't remember if we've spoken about my penchant for baldies/shaved/number 1 heads. anyway enough of that, damn ovulation.

It's a scorching 37 degrees [98 degrees for you backwards folk] at the moment ugh! I'm practically melting on the chair. I hate it when it's this hot but they're promising us a cool change tonight. all I can feel is a hot breeze so it better cool down or else!

Speaking of changes from yesterday, I moved offices today and I'm now the proud owner with a room with a view. Yep I can actually see the green [well make that brownish] grass and blue sky instead of boring grey walls. I can't believe the amount of crap I've been hoarding over the last couple of years. Spent most of the afternoon throwing shit out so it's been pretty cathartic. It also looks like I'm going to get another two staff members which is unreal. One of them I already know and requested so she's going to make an excellent addition to the team. The other we're currently recruiting as a temp replacement for Mrs Hollingsworth. We're being a bit sneaky and rewriting the role profile so that she has no role to come back to but then again she seems a lot happier in her new role so she might stay there. I'm really glad, for her as well as for my team, because it was getting a bit unbearable there for a while. I didn't really realise how bad until after she'd left. It's funny how much lighter it is in the section now.

Things are still going well in the me me me stakes. 5kgs gone since new years and still working on it. Who knows, I might actually achieve my goal by the end of the year! That'd be a shocker for me. Actually keeping a promise to myself, who would have thought? I'm joining the gym again and I've got my fitness assessment next tuesday... YUCK! Not looking forward to that little experience. If they bring out those fat calipers I'm just going to say "look, it's quite obvious that I've got fat padding so let's just agree on that and not measure it eh?". At least I'm exempt from the fricken click test which was devised by some sadist. [can't remember if I told you that I've sprained my ankle... frucking klutz] The click test is basically a recording of clicks which slowly speed up. You have to run between two lines about 10-20meters apart aiming to get to one line by the click then back by the next click. Starts at about 30 seconds between clicks and gets excruciatingly fast. Bascially you count how many clicks you get up to and it measures something, who actually knows what it measures. I'm sure it's just some sort of torture test really. The last time I did it there was a group of 20 of us doing it and there was only one dude who could get to the end of the tape and he's a long distance runner so it doesn't count. I bombed out half way so I wasn't too bad. Beat the bitch that I wanted to so nyah!

Oh guess what? I got breathalized last night for the first time in 10 years! I hadn't been drinking so was a-ok but damn it was funny. I was in a smartass mood and when I pulled up I smirked and said "Is there a problem officer?" and he just chuckled. I was going to roll down the window and sniff a bit and say "I smell bacon" but I can imagine that that would not have gone down as well ;}

Top 3 for today:
1. paracetamol - woke up with a headache this morning owowowowwww [and that was after having a really odd dream about sitting outside with my Dad and seeing something flying in the air and initially thinking it was an out of control plane and hearing people screaming about it. It turned out to be a car which was puzzling... until I looked to my right to see an oncoming tornado. It totally freaked me out and I woke up in a sweat wondering where I could run to. The dream has stayed with me all day and I can still see it so clearly.]
2. paper recycling bins ;}
3. home made frozen strawberry smoothies

ch ch changes

2006-02-01T18:32:00.000+11:00

Can everyone just go on a weeks holiday so that I can catch up? I've got so much to do and not enough time to do it in and I'm actually starting to feel a little pressure. It's more pressure that I'm putting on myself rather than pressure driven by other people or deadlines. Lets just say that things are pretty hectic at work. I had my 6 month review today and it went pretty well, very positive feedback and I got a High rating. We've also had peer review recently and it looks like perception is still my biggest problem with my collegues. The general perception of my job and the role that I play in my section. How do you change people's perception? I seem to be haunted by fk this week. A few things have flared up at work which are a direct result of his past mismanagement, spinelessness and lack of support of his staff. You'll have to go back through the April/May/June archives for rantiness on that.

At that time I was battling to clear the negative perception of certain areas of my work within the section by demonstrating consistancy, transparency in my actions and an attitude of change and openness. And to a point it has certainly worked but this week has shown that there is still some of that old school thinking. And it's funny that it's the old timers [aka departure loungers waiting for retirement] that can't seem to see that things aren't actually the way that they think they are and that things that I do are done for a reason, not just because I'm a control freak. Well.. I am a little bit of a control freak but not in relation to this particular issue.

I've tried to address the issue of where I am at the moment and the immediate future of my role in different ways, talking one on one with the problem people, having presentations for the teams in the section and talking to their team leaders to try and get the message across so I'm kinda at a loss at what to do now. I think I need to approach it differently again but I'm not really sure how. Oh well I'll think of something I assure you.

Sad to say but other than that I don't really have much exciting news. It's just been work work work so lets talk about me for a bit - I got tagged [thanks B]:

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. lips
2. eyes
3. fingernails

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. flabceps
2. fluorescent moontan skin
3. pancake butt

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. crazy drivers
2. my family dying before me
3. singing in public

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. glass of water with half a lemon in the morning
2. cat cuddles
3. email/internet

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. small black strappy dress
2. jewelery
3. smile? [not much else, too bloody hot ;} ]

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS: [this is always so hard for me because I'm such a music nut, does this mean fave bands of all time or right this very second? - for this exercise I'm going to make it right now [this week] otherwise we'll be here all night... and just three...sheesh!]
1. Linkin Park
2. The Streets
3. Muse

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. archery
2. beading
3. reading

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Maldives
2. Fiji
3. Somewhere cold and mountainy when it's snowing.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. have a child
2. live in a castle with a dungeon and in equal second place - learn how to ride a horse
3. go to the moon for a holiday

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. play video games
2. swear too much
3. can be slobby

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. like cutesy nail things
2. love gossip mags
3. wear cosmetics

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. I think that the previous post kinda covers this and then some
2.
3.

Now playing: Linkin Park - Reanimation
Now reading: A Sparrows Falls - Wilbur Smith

The eyes have it

2006-01-20T19:49:00.000+11:00

You've heard me blather on about how I dig a guy with intense eyes so here forthwith are my top 10 eyes. yep I was bored at work this afternoon with way too much time on my hands and hell it's a pleasure to surf for these pretty boys.

In no particular order:

Jonathan Rhys Meyers [who gets an extra tick for having luscious lips] The man is a master at playing the dark and broody man

of course it would be remiss of me not to have my Sawyer in there, Josh Holloway.

My future husband Billy Zane, who also gets an extra tick for luscious lips

my teen crush, Jonathan Brandis [who I think looks a lot like Jonathan RM] I just remember being seriously mesmerised by his blue blue eyes in the Neverending Story II

ahh Ian Somerhalder. Another Lost fella but I first saw him in a show called Young Americans which only lasted one season. [another man with sexy lips]

Joaquin Phoenix. mmhmmm. I had a thing for his brother River in my teens too. And Corey Haim.

Josh Hartnett of course. I never get tired of looking at him

Elvis/Lisa Marie Presley - love Lisa Marie's eyes. She's got these curiously beautiful sleepy hooded eyes.

JDub *sigh*

Robbie Williams. Cheeky, wicked, sexy, rich, tattoos, broody, what more could you want?

and an honourable mention. Riddick. Not really a person and his eyes are fake.

dammit, now I've gotta wipe the drool off my keyboard ;}

this life is more than just a readthrough

2006-01-18T19:23:00.000+11:00

What is it about rain that turns drivers in this city into lunatics? Do they think that they won't get their car wet if they drive crazily? On the way home [10 min drive] I was almost involved in two accidents due to other people doing stoopid things. Instant assclown, just add water. We seem to be going through a wet spell which is unreal as I prefer this sort of weather than hell's butt temps of 30+. I got caught in a torrential downpour whilst out for my walk yesterday afternoon. I was at the halfway point which is about 30 mins away from my house and it started bucketing down with no shelter in sight so I got drenched. It was unreal! It was coming down so hard I couldn't see. Love walking in the rain, except for that oh so sexy drowned rat look.

Work is really good at the moment. I've always been blessed to have a great boss until fk of course [see early archives for copious rants on that little fella - fk standing for Fuck Knob of course. all his staff called him that, and still do even though he has left]. And my not so newish boss is just unreal. I tells ya it makes such a difference to have a boss that supports you and the work that you do. Another excellent weekly meeting today and got an extra pat on the back because I managed to save $23k in my budget YAY me!

On the flip side there is a little tension in the office at the moment. As I told you before, Mrs Hollingsworth has left my section much to the relief of my team. It's funny to hear them say that the little dark cloud in the corner has left. And to hear that from the one person I regarded as her crony is refreshing. But she's got a massive bee in her bonnet about my boss. A serious attitude problem and it obviously hasn't been solved by changing sections and the christmas break. No one can work out why because they used to be close friends. I just hope that her new boss with influence her in the right direction and that she can build a bridge and just get over it. It's hard because I am good friends with my boss and I've gotta say that I'm totally on my boss' side with this.

The thing that really gets me with Mrs H is that she is at a professional level where it's expected that she takes responsibility for herself and her work and yet everything is someone else's fault and she's not willing to help herself. She has an extreme victim mentality and while I sympathise with her I just don't understand it. I can see her point of view and how she could regard things in that negative light but at the same time she's not willing to see any other point of view. The book that changed my life advocates the following principles for happiness:

1. Recognise what upsets/stresses you
2. Change the things you can
3. [Positively] Change your attitude if you can't change the situation
4. Exercise
5. Do the things you enjoy.

You'll have to read the book for the full story but those simple steps have totally relieved me of so many stresses in my life. And as someone said to me I dwelt on the negatives a lot in the past. This is Mrs H's biggest problem, she's not willing to get out of her negativity and just seems to want to wallow in it. More than I EVER did. It's sad really but it's not my problem anymore. I'm still going to be pleasant and friendly but I refuse to be drawn into that insidious mindset again.

Still no word from JDub... *sigh*

AND I've gotta charge my camera because I found tropical aquarium nail stickers! Pics soon.

Now playing - Linkin Park - Reanimation
Now reading: The Sound of Thunder - Wilbur Smith

And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night

2006-01-13T20:47:00.000+11:00

I'm really trying not to be so highschool about JDub's email but I just can't help it. I can't wipe the secret smirky smile off my face and people keep asking what's going on with me. Even if nothing ever happens [no reply yet] it's nice to have something to smirk about. Just perks up my world.

I'm working on a post at the moment but you'll have to wait til tomorrow as I'm bloody starving. You know there's something very comforting about having a full fridge and full pantry. Did my big shop and vegie market shop today and my house is so full of food it's not funny. AND not only that but *gasp* healthy food. I know, I know! it's a whole new me ;} Have I mentioned how good this year is so far? ;}

but wait there's more

2006-01-11T19:23:00.000+11:00

Oh and just to recap on the ole Christmas and New Years stuff. Christmas was a total champagne and eatfest. It was really nice this year. Everyone was in a great mood [maybe it was the champagne for breakfast I dunno] and it was just really enjoyable. New Years... Lets just say that I had a few quiet drinks with my friends Tia and Maria. My only New Years resolutions are:

1. Stop going on blind dates [I actually don't mind them but they just don't seem to work out and it's too... time consuming for want of a better word] I went on a date last week and the guy told me I have "strumpet nails"! Pardon me? Your time is up buddy!

2. [and this one may seem a bit odd but] Pay me a bit more attention. I don't often do things for myself and this year I think I need to and feel like I deserve it. Kinda like making promises to myself and actually keep them.

you missed me didn't you, oh come on I know you did!

2006-01-11T18:02:00.000+11:00

ahh long time no writey! I've been enjoying my holidays waaay too much and ignoring you, I'm sorry! News news news!

Today was my first day back at work and boy oh boy was it a good day! Got back to 171 emails, ugh!! Technically I've only been out of the office for 5 days.. geez! And in amongst them was not only an email from Ollie [yay!] but an unexpected email from JDub! He left the organisation in September much to my dismay. This guy is like woah! heheh that's exactly what I said when I first saw him. WOAH who is THAT??! Tick on the intense eyes and tick on the nice mouth ;} and mega tick on the tall with super broad shoulders and dark hair and blue eyes... like I said, just my kind of woah. Anyway in my usual fashion I drooled from afar but someone told him that I liked him and so we chatted a bit, nothing huge just chitchat. So natch I was bummed out when he left as I didn't get a chance to make a move [bok bok teehee] and then today I get an email from him. Just a shortie along the lines of "hey it's JDub, don't know if you remember me [oh as if I could forget him!!] Just thought I'd say hi and see how you're going. speak to you later maybe. JDub" Woah. I've been grinning allll day. So totally out of the blue and boy did it make my day today, I just can't stop smirking. I've started writing a response [I want to write "I'm surprised you remember ME but the insane girly giggling afterwards doesn't quite translate] and trust me I plan on continuing this conversation and perhaps suggest we meet up. brrrr giving myself the willys ;} We'll see eh? I'll keep you posted on the juicy goss.

Bit of drama.. One of my collegue's wife was murdered over the holidays. Very sad. He's such a lovely guy too. They have no idea who did it or why so it's still an open case.

Just on TV for a sec... I've become totally hooked on a whole bunch of crap shows. I can't stop watching Wife Swap, Headlands and Growing up Gotti. Wife Swap is one of those shows that I just can't help watching but sit there cringing all the while. It's so bad but I just can't tear my eyes away and usually end up watching through my fingers. Kinda the same with the Gotti's. or is that the Bratti's. It's just fascinating to watch. And Headlands... well that's really a perve at Rohan Nichols thing...

I've spent most of my holiday in San Andreas. GTA San Andreas. The day I bought it I started playing, then a little while later I was feeling hungry. Looked at the clock and it was 6 hours later!! I'm still totally absorbed and could easily spend the next two weeks playing.

But I have been productive over the hols. Managed to clear out all the rubble in the house and do a bit of painting. Oh I got the bargain of the century on my paint. I decided that I wanted some really good paint so I got Dulux Designer Silk which is normally $67 a tin. Got a few other things and when I got to the checkout and they only charged me a total of $47, the paint scanned in at $4.92!!! It scanned in as Weed n Feed herbicide and the checkout chick didn't even realise. BARGAIN!!

Oh and CG's tip of the year [happy New Year by the way] Frozen Custard! oh YEAH. Got an icecream maker from Santa and they've got this recipe book that is all involving with cream and egg yolks etc but bugger that, custard's the way to go! Makes the yummiest, vanillaiest, creamiest icecream ever. AND it's seriously low fat especially compared to the cream and egg yolky mix. Sooo good! AND not only that but it's the best base for other icecreams - my fave - Christmas pudding icecream. Dammit now I'm hungry ;}

hmmm what else? That'll do you for a while I'm sure. Looks like it's going to be a great year folks. I can't wait!

a quick top 3 for today:
1. unexpected emails from sooper cute guys [eeeeek!]. Not only one but two [double eeeeek!]
2. a great first day back at work [good way to start the working year]
3. getting a deemed leave notification from HR! I have to go on 2 days leave before the 1st of April as I have too much leave! Too easy my HR friends, too easy.

Now playing: Linkin Park - Reanimation
now reading: Wilbur Smith - When the lion feeds [going through a Wilbur Smith phase now]

should old acquaintence be forgot

2005-12-31T16:03:00.000+11:00

Love this one....

Just wanted to pop in and say that I hope you all had a great Christmas and are gearing up for NYE. I'm on my way out now, bit of a boring one planned but hey, I'm old and boring. It's too bloody hot to do anything too exciting. Fricken 38 degrees today! ugh way too hot! I'll tell you more about everything next year ;} Hope it brings you all that you desire.

[and you'll be happy to hear that I'm being strong and am not smoking at all this evening... as sorely tempted as I am. Just don't want to have to start the count again. 5 months as of last monday - yay me!]

Christmas trees and holly make everyone so jolly and love just fills the air

2005-12-21T20:59:00.000+11:00

Not only do I love Christmas I love all the Christmas email jokes that go round and round. This one is my favourite :]

And since we've no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

2005-12-20T20:44:00.000+11:00

I think I've finally finished my Xmas shopping. I don't understand these people who bitch about loads of people and lines galore... it's called smart shopping! I managed to get it all done over two mornings. I was at the shops at 8:30am and was done in an hour on Monday and 2 hours this morning. Not a lot of people, not a lot of hassle. I love Christmas. I go around humming carols all day, everyone at work seems to have a smile on their face in anticipation of the upcoming days off and every day I get a few more Xmas cards. I got a really beautiful one from one of our suppliers in Russia, might even scan it in to share with you guys. Can't wait for Saturday!

We celebrate Christmas eve and Christmas day. My Dad has only recently started joining us for Christmas so it's nice to have the whole family together again. We get together on Christmas eve, have some nice food - smoked salmon and trout, prawns, salads and lots of yummy nibblies and then open stocking prezzies and watch a movie together.

Then Christmas day we go to my Ma's for breakie - on the menu this year is chocolate Panatone bread and butter pudding, scrabbled eggs with smoked salmon, goats cheese on bagels and coffee and champagne and then we open all the rest of the hoarde of goodies. Then basically lie around all day digesting and snoozing until dins. As you can tell we don't do the traditional Xmas type foods. It's just too bloody hot to have roast bird with roast veg etc so we've made up an Aussie Christmas feast. Mainly seafood [also because me and my brother aren't too fond of Turkey]. I still can't get used to it being so hot at Christmas. I miss the snow and the cold. But we do have Christmas pud.. mmmm brandy butter and brandy cream and brandy icecream... YUM! Then we get together on boxing day to eat all the leftovers!

I only put up my tree yesterday, I've just been so bloody busy. Tis the season after all. It's so pretty. I've picked up my Ma's pedantism with my tree. Hers is silver and purple and mine is silver and red. Funny how we pick up odd things from our parents. Unfortunately His Lordship likes my tree as well. He's been scolded twice for playing with the ornaments but hasn't pulled down the tree yet. It's only a little one, bout 3 foot so it's not too bad if he does. Santa is bringing him a new food bowl and a few mousie treats this year. Not that he deserves it... I put a little fake tan on on the weekend to cut the fluourescent glare of my legs and of course he has to buff my legs whenever I stand still so I have these little light patches on the outsides of my calves where he's rubbed the cream off. Little treasure ;}

My goddaughter started walking on the weekend! I was honoured to be there to witness her first steps so naturally her ma and I grabbed the video camera. She thought it was the best game so kept wanting to walk between us so we got a lot of good footage to send to her dad. She's growing up so quickly and she's making me quite clucky. She's just so cute. I had her on my hip and I was rolling my eyes and she was just fascinated. I wish I could have taken a photo of the look on her face. Just so sweet.

Only 3 more days til I'm on holidays for 2 glorious weeks! It's not going to be a slack 2 weeks either as I've got lots to do. I've got work homework that I want to do. Need to paint the stairwell, finish my kitchen [if I can fricken find a plumber that will come over the xmas period], clean up the spare room. My bro and I are delving into the movie world and are going to start our short film. AND I got season 2, 3 and 4 of Farscape so I've got 66 episodes to watch!! Not to mention that I've finally got eps 6 and 7 of Lost to watch. And I also plan to schedule in a few afternoon siestas in there as well. ohhh I love afternoon snoozes.

Still don't have anything to do for NYE... Ollie left for QLD today as his Mum is up there so he's back on the 7th of Jan. bummer... just have to find something else to do. I'm hoping to catch up with MrP and see what that mob is doing. Just don't want a repeat of the last 2 years.

Top 3:
1 - the power of IT, found a new high scorer [person with the largest GBs of MP3's stored on their computer - today's geezer 35 GB] and scored some excellent music for Lexy [have I mentioned how much I love Lexy?]

2 - new sheets! I got some beautiful sheets of green apple silk embroidered with pink flowers for my birthday and teamed with a violet fitted sheet looks so mad on my bed.

3 - getting $50 off each Farscape boxed set... I've been after them for the last 2 Christmases and this year they're on special so dammit I had to buy them for myself. So much Farscapey goodness, so little time ;}

Now playing: The Streets [beerlairiness teehee]
Now reading: Birds of Prey - Wilbur Smith

could you crawl into my world and take me worlds away

2005-12-15T19:44:00.000+11:00

It's all about me right? ;} Bought myself a little early Xmas prezzie today... it's about as big as the pic too! I'm in love

It's so interesting how momentum works... one thing just leads to another. And all in the right direction folks, it's fascinating. I could be blabbering all night about the small good things. Maybe it's just because I'm on a high that I see it all and am actually paying attention? It's such a nice change, bit of a difference and I can't really explain it all. heheh don't worry I'm not about to start spouting like a evangelist but I guess this is what it feels like to be religious. It's just that positivity is my religion.

Top 3:
1. oh Lexar LDP-200, sweet Lexy goodness. Makes me love music all the more.
2. Public acknowledgement for the work I've done on a long running thorn in my side. Love the 'new broom'. Every meeting is a sweet step to resolving all the problems I've had with this section. It's nice to feel validated for once instead of like I'm whinging. It still astounds me how people can blame others for the asskicking they receive because THEY haven't been doing their work... assclowns :] [oh and I forgot to mention that my section won an award from our CEO for outstanding service at the AGM last Friday, niiiice. Pity I was setting up the Xmas party and couldn't be there but hey the recognition is great!
3. free coffee from my buy 9 coffee's and get your 10th free card

Now reading: While I'm on this whole "new me" revolution I'm reading this interesting book called "Take control of your life". It's like a lightbulb and duh moment at the same time. I feel a bit dumb for not seeing some of the stuff I've been doing but at the same time I feel good that it's being revealed.
Now playing: a massive mega mp3 mix [sweet Lexy]

a little bit of resolve

2005-12-14T17:58:00.000+11:00

Well I'm back! FINALLY have my phone back on. I've suffered some severe withdrawals.... two whole weeks without the internet. But the sweet techno goodyness is washing over me now, oh yes.

So to catch you up a little... settle in cuz this is going to be a long one [and possibly boring ;} ] MAJOR changes! I went and saw a Cognitive Behaviour therapist and my life has changed. When we last spoke I was at a pretty dark point and a couple of things spurred the changes. Apart from Kiki's death, a couple things that Vittra and Prick said had kinda stuck with me and I had a lightbulb moment chat with my little bro. How he got so smart is just beyond me but we talked for hours and something in my brain just clicked. And now I'm so out of that hole that I'm filling in the dirt so I don't fall back in there. [And just a quick thank you to all the folks who've commented and sent me emails. It's nice to know that there are good people out there.]

I've been dwelling on the negative for far too long and I've learned a couple of techniques to stop that. That's half my problem, I've wanted to change but didn't really know HOW. It's easy for people to judge you and say "just stop" but it's easier said than done. I didn't want to use anti depressants to get there as I don't really believe in a pill to fix the problems because to me it doesn't help 'solve' the underlying issues. So going to the CBT has helped a lot and I only needed one session to learn what I needed to know. The trick is to apply it but I'm doing really well so far. Wanting to change is half the battle. So it's a more positive CG you'll be seeing around these parts. One thing the CBT said was to write down the positives so from now on there'll the the TOP 3. Three top things that have happened in my day. I need to dwell on the positives not the negatives.

So that aside what's been happening... the Xmas spirit is firmly upon us - only 12 days to go. Had Dutch Christmas last Monday which was a serious eat and drinkfest. I'm so lucky I get 2 xmases so nyah nyah! Interesting conversation of the night - worked out I've been in 6 car accidents in my life - only two which I was the driver at fault. Mondo bizzaro. Madly trying to work out when I'm going to be able to fit in the manic Xmas shopping.

We had our massive Xmas work party [which I organise] last Friday. Had 265 people turn up and it was unreal. Got to speak to Ollie for most of the night - yay! I do like him... quite a bit more than I'd like to admit. heheheh there's a Ollie shaped door opened in my heart and I'm more than willing to let him in. Found out that he was almost about to get married about a year ago. Had to smirk to myself that it's nice to know he's the marrying kind. Talked about gothy stuff and absinthe. eheh even taught him some swears in sign language. All in all a really great night. AND I managed to keep my foot out of my mouth for once. I was knacked by the end of it, I'd been going since 10am setting everything up for the 12:30 start and by 11pm at the after after party I was ready to collapse so it was nice to just sit outside and chat with everyone. Had my foot in a bucket of ice which was by far the most excellent thing I've felt in a long time. [did I mention that I've sprained my foot? yeah... excellent timing NOT] Got asked for my phone number by one of the Skilled fellas which was a massive ego boost. And with that, my reign as el presidente comes to a close. We've got a "last day before the xmas hols" bbq next week but that's it my friends. Still dunno what I'm going to do for NYE.

if you've got a sec, check this out. It's mind boggling:

http://www.redhotscott.co.uk/shoppinglists/

Top 3: [well since it's my first day back lets make it a Top 5]

1. Crusher stopped me in the hallway this morning and told me what a good time he had on Friday's Xmas party and that I'd done a great job.
2. Hearing that Mrs H is going to be moving on to a new section in IT. This is great for my team but more importantly it's fantastic for her as it will mean all new challenges and will get her away from the stress that's in her current job [which has in turn been affecting my team]
3. Candy canes, need I say more?
4. Found porn heaven with two of my favourite stars in a scene together, who would have thought it possible. [I think I'm going to have to rename the laptop to Porn Machine]
5. my new favourite word = assclown ;}

ahoy there!

2005-12-05T12:33:00.000+11:00

fear not dear internet I have not dropped off the planet! I've had no phone since last monday as we had a big storm here which ripped out the phone lines and the result has been no phone.. and no internet AAGGGH!!!! And since that storm we've had an even worse one on Friday [a falling branch killed a local man!] so they haven't quite got around to fixing me up... I'm starting to get withdrawals I tells ya! I've got a big post brewing so be prepared for whenever they finally get around to fixing up my phone line [they promised this arvo so we'll see eh?] Just sneaking in from a hidden location and just wanted to check in. Lots of good news to share.

do do do the funky gibbonnnnn

2005-11-24T21:56:00.000+11:00

Another really odd day today. Spent the morning at the copshop [sniff sniff do I smell bacon?] dealing with the fallout from yesterday. Despite what I used to think of cops there were actually some pretty useful ones around today AND helpful!

Spent most of the afternoon with the big boss trying to sort out the fun and games yet to come. I need more people in the world like him, he just has a way of seeing through people, cutting away all the petty politics and fastforwarding to the chase.

I've just returned from seeing The Goodies live on stage. Bloody hilarous and just the laugh I needed to take my mind off things. My cheeks are aching from smiling so much! Despite the day from hell yesterday I actually feel kinda good right now. Kiki's funeral is tomorrow afternoon so that's going to be emotionally draining and tough to get through. Went and saw her mum and husband today and that nearly broke my heart. I won't go into it much because I'll start howling again and I don't want to drown my new laptop. I guess this whole experiance is a bit of a memento mori and I think that this is what I needed to get out of the hole I've been digging for myself. I'm seeing everything in a fresh new light. But right now I've gotta go to bed... sooo tired mentally and physically! Nighty night!

oh what now?

2005-11-23T20:38:00.000+11:00

After one of the shittiest days on record I read this comment:

Vittra said...

Dear Lord, if you're going to make a blog that focuses entire around yourself then at least make it interesting to read. By the way, I'm not sure if you noticed, but capitals do not stop being used when you start a new paragraph.

Writing about yourself in this insipid way won't attract anyone. I think the fact that you are still single and have no sign of regular readers attests to this as proof. I would much rather listen to a three hour spiel from John Howard than ten minutes of this babble.

Whilst we're on the subject of how much attention this blog receives, I think you having word verification is a little superfluous, really.

You are irritating to read, deal with it.

Let me start with: who shat in your cornflakes this morning?

oops sorry, didn't realise that I was being marked for my punctuation and content [you forgot to mention spelling]. Last time I checked a blog was a web page that serves as a publicly accessible personal journal for an individual. I don't write this blog for the approval or attention of other people, just for me so if you don't like it, don't read it.

and insipid, yes indeed. Just the point I was trying to make myself over the last couple of weeks although obviously less eloquently and more tediously. My life is extremely insipid at the moment and I don't need you to point that out. You don't know me so don't even presume to judge me. I don't use my blog as a dating tool to attact men or regular readers. I didn't realise it was a popularity contest, here I was thinking it was a place to write what I want, when I want. Perhaps I should preface the "it's all about me, deal with it" description with "Warning: Boring bullshit ahead?"

and what does the word verification thingo have anything to do with regular attention? It's there to prevent unwanted comments, a spam prevention tool. Oh wait a minute, I must be missing the point. My blog must be too boring even for spammers.

we can't all be the wordsmith effusing words all over the place, so dreadfully sorry about that. I stand corrected and will endevour to do better.

by the way, who asked you anyway? Just piss off to clevercleverland and leave me alone.

touchy? yeah just a bit. I won't go into how fantastic my day was because I don't want to risk boring you all to death.

Nah fuckit, it's my blog so Vittra, should you be reading, you might want to go now because I'm going to get all tedious now. Warning: more boring bullshit ahead.

A very good friend of mine passed away today so the rest of you will have to excuse me for being a tad emotional.

And not only that but I had to fire someone for reasons I can't go into but lets just say that it got extremely messy and the police were called and I've spent most of the afternoon at the copshop. That comment couldn't have come at a worse time. Just shat me off that someone came to my place and told me how to run it. It probably stings a little more than it should because it's what I've been thinking myself for the last little while. borrring. [but fuck you anyway] So all in all it's been a wonderful day.

Anyway before I go and thoroughly drown my sorrows let me just share this [if it doesn't bore you too much]. Kiki was my age and we met in highschool about a zillion years ago. She died of an aggressive breast cancer that was diagnosed 2 months ago. When she told me about the diagnosis and we were both having a cry about it she said to me that when she died that she would make sure that she would watch over me. She admitted to me that instead of feeling bad for herself she was feeling guilty for making everyone else sad. Just the kinda gal she was. Someone I've always envied and admired. I'm going to miss her so much, she always had a way of bringing bright sunshine into my life. I'm sure there's a coupla big lessons in today's events but right now I just don't see it.

the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds

2005-11-22T19:33:00.000+11:00

I've been so conditioned by the hollywood happy ending. I'm still thinking about Beneath Clouds and it's unresolved ending. Why didn't Vaughn get on the train with Lena, did he turn himself in? Where was she going? Where was she going to stay? Who wsas going to protect her from the big bad city now that she was without Vaughn? Did she find her father? How would they ever find eachother again? Because I'm so conditioned I'd expect a Beneath Clouds 2 due to it's open ending but I sincerely doubt it, it's too good for that. I'm really haunted by this movie. It captured Australia so beautifully and with so little words. Some of the country side was just achingly beautiful. Australia is just like that. I've driven to the coast and often wanted to stop and photograph a tree or landscape just because it's so beautiful.

I have an imaginary dog menagerie and today I would have added my 8th dog to the collection. Mrs Hollingsworth [the animal lady] regularly posts the Dog of the Week or the local ARF dogs up on our internal bulletin boards at work and if I didn't have His Lordship [who thinks he's a dog anyway] and live where I live where they don't allow you to have dogs I would have adopted 8 of them so far. I'm a sucker for big dogs and this week's dog, Max, is one of my fave crosses - Great Dane x mastiff. The sweet face on him, man he's lucky I didn't adopt him because he'd be the most smooched on pooch that it'd just be embarrassing for a dignified dog like him. So sweet. Another reason I want a boyfriend with a dog. Just so I can smooch the pooch. Love doggies and while I love big dogs, if I had the choiced of all dogs I'd get a pug. Love those fugly dogs. One of my mates has one, King, and he's just such a character [and he loves me to bits]. Good thing I have friends with dogs or else there'd be trouble ;}

But that being said I'd do anything to transform my cat into a man. such a sweet beast

My sparklies arrived today and they're fricken HUGE! Oh man I want a real pair... now if only I had a spare $20k! BUT I'm happy with them. niiiice!

oh and can I just mention how addicted to sudoku puzzles I am!

city of the dead, at the end of another lost highway

2005-11-21T17:50:00.000+11:00

another fucked up day in the jungle, why did I expect anything less. I've GOT to find a way out before I'm just running, screaming obscenities amongst the vines. All suggestions welcome.

Picking up on something that Anonymous Cog was talking about today - one thing I can't stand more than waking up in the morning is people who are overly familiar, and not only overly familiar but breach the personal space barrier. I go through phases where I just don't want anyone to touch me. It's a weird thing that I can't explain because at the same time I want someone to touch me but on that personal level but that would be the person of my choice. There's a dude at work that I know fairly well, we joke around a lot but he is constantly getting really up close to me and I just don't like it. I like him [he's about 60 so don't be thinkin that] and we do joke a helluva lot but don't be breaching the personal space barrier just because you're part of the inner realm of people who joke with me.

Been thinking A LOT about pot lately. It's been 3 months and 3 weeks today. I've been watching a lot of stoner movies and it's making me yearn. I've kinda decided that I want to smoke on NYE. Just once. We'll see. I have no idea what I've got planned for NYE but if it's going to be anything like the last one - so ultra depressing, then I'm definately smoking my fuckin brains out accompanied by a bottle or two of plonko bubblo.

I've been thinking about travelling a lot recently too. I think part of it is just the fact that I want to get the fuck out of here. I'd really like to go to London and Paros again [no not Paris but Paros] I'd love to go to the US for a little sojourn but alas the fundage does not allow any travelling at the moment. Maybe if I win that $20k Xmas cash raffle?

Watched an amazing movie called Beneath Clouds last night - if you haven't seen it go and rent it now. You won't regret it. [the fact that they both had amazing eyes had nothing to do with my admiration] Also watched Saw II - wasn't as good as the first one, Saw. Now I'm a huge fan of horror movies and Saw scared the absolute bejezus out of me. Very well written. The second one was good but not as well scripted and suspenseful as the first. A bit more gorey but was still worth the watch. It's an interesting concept that always makes me feel just a little bit guilty about my good life that I bitch about.

magnetic poetry

2005-11-20T20:57:00.000+11:00

well it's the end of another weekend. The only highlight of the weekend is discovering Vodka Twistees. Half butterscotch schnapps and the other half vanilla vodka stuff. real niiice and bloody toxic! I'll post a pic a bit later. Dangerous little suckers. But damn I have a fine shot glass collection now ;} way too much drinking but what the fuck eh?

getting to magnetic poetry - I have magnetic sex poetry on my fridge. had a mate over on the weekend who wrote up some wicked stuff. I usually get whoever is drinking at my house to write something up so I'll post a pic of that as well. think I'm going to make it a regular feature of this blog because people can come up with some really hot stuff.

this one's probably the clearest but it's lost the last word of the last poem "come" ;"

and this one's a little more blurry without the flash but dammit they're pretty darned good for being completely schnocked and I couldn't be assed taking a few more so deal with it.

heard that asshole1 has a new band and played on Saturday. Was half tempted to hop on down to see how it all went but I don't really want to go there but I do. it's funny I'd love a guy who is a combination of the good points of both asshole 1 and 2. The emotional intensity of asshole1 with the sexual intensity of asshole2. Anyway let's not go there now cuz I'm on a Twistee induced high

My weekend has consisted of the afore mentioned Twistees, Deus Ex: Invisible War [much to my disappointment because I originally hired Chronicles of Riddick but the fucker who hired it before me scratched the install disk so it wouldn't work!] Needless to say Deus Ex sux. It's boring with way too much talk. I'm not going to even bother finish it [gotta return it tomorrow] I was hoping for GTA3: Vice City or San Andreas but they don't have it so I'll have to go elsewhere. Have I mentioned how much I love my new laptop lately? fuckin kickass!!

shitty thing of the weekend: The neighbourhood boys kicked out my side fence. They usually have a smoke sesh there once in a while but actually kicked out some of the boards so there's an escape hole sized hole in the fence. gee wonder why?

nice thing of the weekend: Well one was pre weekend but I forgot to mention but it's happened twice now... I must look [or act] a lot younger than I actually am. Two people have thought I was 25 in the last week and were quite shocked to find out that I am 31. Niiiice!

getting back to my bitching from friday... had breakie with my Ma today and we kinda broached the subject of me and how unhappy I am and depsite her saying "I think you're depressed and that's why you've lost your zest for life" she then proceeds to give me shit and make me feel worse. Yeah thanks Ma, thanks for your help and understanding. Love my Ma but she's always gotta put a negative spin on things. It's kinda a running joke with me and my bro. We can always count on her for the negative aspect.

Not to start the bitchin afresh but I'm going to start on baby steps. I'm going to put some hard work in on the old fatness. Ugh this means stopping drinking [she says cracking the last Twistee in the box] and actually taking care of myself. That means actually eating good food. Not having cup o soup for dinner cuz I couldn't be fucked cooking. [well that's if my kitchen would actually be complete but that's a whole other story that I'm not even touching]. So we'll see eh? They key for me is exercise. So I'm proposing walking for at least an hour a day for starters. Just gotta get my ass in gear, literally. So that's the plan. Now I've gotta stick with it, that's the trick... I'll keep you posted.

I got tagged [and passed it on thank you] so here goes:

7 things I plan to do before I die:

* Learn how to ride a horse
* find my happy place
* have a child
* go back to Paros
* drive a double clutch truck, one of the big Mac trucks [not as in Macdonalds]
* swim in the dead sea
* live in a castle with a bondage dungeon

7 things I can do:
* freaky toe tricks
* roll my tongue
* listen to you
* swear a LOT
* dream colourful vivid dreams all night
* type 80 wpm
* crush really easily

7 things I cannot do:
* play a musical instrument nor sing [although I like singing in the car and when no ones listening
* be unemotional
* forgive and forget [as much as I would like to]
* refuse sex
* parallel park [I'll drive around til I find somewhere else rather than subject
myself to the embarrassment]
* say no to a friend
* sleep a full night

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex/another person:
* the eyes, the eyes get me everytime
* good full lips with cupids bow
* makes me laugh or laughs a lot themselves
* smart and intelligent
* that V on the hips that points you in the right direction [briefly glimpsed here and here but more classically here, you get the idea I'm sure]
* a nice nape [yeah I'm weird but I love a guy with a good nape]
* honesty

7 things that I say most often:
* colour me surprised
* here's the thing
* shit yeah
* fuck [or fuckity fuck or what the fuck]
* you don't know
* butthead
* dildo
[all closely followed by "where's the coffee"]

7 celebrity crushes: [yeah that's 8 so whatcha gonna do?]
* Sawyer! [Josh Holloway]
* Billy Zane
* Vin Diesel
* Rodger Corser
* Josh Hartnett
* Egbert Jan Weeber
* Chris Hemsworth
* Judd Nelson

now playing: Lifehouse
now reading: Hammer of Eden - Ken Follett

Lost

2005-11-18T21:36:00.000+11:00

Someone asked me what the next challenge for me is. Good question. I have no idea and it's been bothering me all afternoon. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know where I'm headed. In a way I've never known. When I was at school I never knew what I wanted to be or do in life. I felt jealous of someone who knew 100% that they wanted to be a suchandsuch. I've just gone along with the flow and it's lead me to where I am today but it's never been a conscious decision. The future has always been a big question mark on the horizon. I've never been able to answer the "where do you see yourself in 5 years question. I stay in my job because it pays the mortgage but it's nowhere near my passion. Then again I wonder what my passion is. I know what I want to do workwise but is it my passion? You'd think that if it was then no one and nothing could stop me doing it. I don't have a standout talent for a particular thing that would help guide me. So what do I do? Stay doing what I'm doing and just keep going with the flow because it's safe and pays the bills? I don't really know what I can do.

When I was 14/15 I went through a phase of cutting myself so that I could feel something other than what I was feeling at the time. I feel like that now. Not that I'm about to start cutting again but I just need to feel something other than this... this lost drifing feeling. I know that's one of the reason I smoked pot and one of the reasons I drink. To feel something else. But then it wears off and we're back to the same old, same old. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite as I'm a strong believer that if you don't like something then change it. My problem is that I don't know how to change and it's partly because I don't know what I want. How do I get motivation? How do I stop feeling so bored? How do I stop feeling so lost? Is there a 12 step program? How do I get my shit together?

Half the problem is that I'm good at hiding. No one knows how I feel, not even my bestest friends. My problem is that I don't talk about ME. The real me. No that's not true, I've tried but both my bestest friends are a tad self centred and while it starts off about me it generally goes back to being about them. It's probably half my fault for conditioning them like that because I'm a good listener and I just find it hard to talk about me. And I also realise that they're busy in their own lives so I think why bother waste my breath. But don't get me wrong, I love my mates and would probably be a lot worse off without them. But I need more. Apart from them I don't have anyone to talk deep stuff to except you. And even talking to you doesn't always do it for me as I get bored with what feels like my whinging. I can't really talk to my family, it just doesn't sit right with me, it's all too personal. So that leaves no one to talk to. I have lots of friends and know lots of people but not people that know me personally. They know the public me.

I feel like there are two mes, the public me and the private me. No one ever sees the private me. No one ever has. And the sad thing is that the private me is the real me. Not the pretendy me. Everything seems fine on the surface of the public me, no one's the wiser. I'm not even sure if I like either me, at the moment I think they're both pathetic. Just wish either of them were smarter, cleverer or the slightest bit interesting.

It's like the pot thing. I was an everyday smoker for at least the last 5 years and not one person knew except for my dealers but they both sucked ass and aren't worth the flesh their printed on. No one clued on. And I'm talking about billys for breakfast and all afternoon/night. If I wasn't at work I was stoned. I'm a good liar I guess. It makes me sad that when my body blew up, no one asked me why? No one thought to find out what was going on with me. Even now I can't help but feel pissed off that even though I've tried to talk to both of my bestest friends recently that it doesn't register that I AM NOT HAPPY. Is that my fault? Do I need to be screaming and crying before it registers that I have a problem [not that I really know what it is apart from being so totally lost]? How much more plainer do I have to make it? Maybe if I tell them that I'm thinking about antidepressants that it might give them a clue. I still don't like the thought of anti depressants but maybe that's what I need to get me out of the dark place?

I guess this whole post is a what am I doing here, what's it all about question. Fucked if I know. All I have is questions and no answers. I don't even know what to do to go about finding answers. Do I talk to a counsellor? A psychotherapist? A psychiatrist? There's a free service through work so I could go and see a professional if I want to. But would they have an answer? I'm sure the answers lie within me but how do I find them? more fuckin questions ;} I'm sure it will come back to setting goals and working towards them but what if I don't have any fucking goals? This comes back to the "what is the next challenge for me" question posed to me earlier today. Right now my goal is not to start smoking pot again because I'd REALLY like to right about now. But I won't. While I want to I don't need to. And I have plenty of booze to keep my occupied with heheh. But other than that, nup, there's nothing. I couldn't be fucked about anything else. I wrote a long post a while ago about what I want to create in my life right now and even reading that isn't helping. There's nothing concrete in there. Just fluffy wishes.

heheh Okay I thought of a goal I want to work towards. I want to have sex before I forget how to do it. But [and there's always a but] there are obstacles. I guess that leads to other goals like lose some fuckin weight fatass ;} Okay so that's two goals. BUT then what? I've lost weight and shagged my brains out...? then what? *sigh* and do see do your partner. I guess I need to find some meaning in my life. Something that helps get me out of bed in the morning, something that excites me. yeah, sex! heheh maybe I need to become a prostitute HAHA! hehe and then I can stay in bed! I'd have to pay them ;}

Seriously though, and being realistic - what can I do? I need a decent paying job to pay the bills and morgage. I can sell my house but I've gotta live somewhere and I'd rather pay my morgage than someone elses. I could get a different job but in this field it's same shit different location. It's not so bad at the moment and is bordering on pretty good but I'm BORED. I could do it with my eyes closed and it's just not exciting. So what would be exciting? [yeah sex but we're talking about work] I dunno. Square 1. ugh I need a drink. Just going for a refresh.

mkay I'm back. Drinking my fave Tia Maria on ice [heart and stars shaped ice, I told you about my ice fetish did'nt I?] Anyway during the brief break I'm wondering if I'm thinking about all this too much? Maybe I should just do as usual and just go with the flow til something turns up? I'm also a strong believer that everything happens for a reason... but fuck I'm impatient [heheh buttfuck, sorry it's the booze]. I'm feeling better y'know. I don't feel as dark as I did when I started this post. Maybe it's the fact that I've downed a shitload of Tia while typing because I don't really have any more answers than I did when I started writing. I guess it's the cathartic aspect of it all eh?

Gonna get all random on you now

Odd fact of the day - I've had my alarm clock for 23 years!! I got it for a birthday present when I was 8 and it still works. Well one of the little lampy things has gone but it still works dammit!

Been reading a few blogs talking about the snow in the US... I miss snow. I grew up with snow at Xmas and I still can't get used to it being 30 degrees at Xmas even though I've lived here for 16ish years. Bring on the snow I say. It's just starting to get really hot here. It's been unseasonally wet and they're saying that we won't have water restrictions this summer because of all the rains. I'll believe it when it's 35 degrees. I hate the heat. Bring on winter, show me the fuckin snow.

OK bored now.

But give me your open hand

2005-11-16T20:44:00.000+11:00

Gooooodies, Goodie Goodie yum yummmmmmm! I'm going to see The Goodies on the 24th! can't wait! My bro and I grew up with them so it will be mad to see them all grown up.

I got a free 'ticket' on the internet dating site and I've sent it to the dude I have a huge crush on. I'm pretty sure I'm not his type but my 'ticket' runs out tonight so what the hey.

Bored bored bored!!!

In the end it doesn't even matter

2005-11-14T17:59:00.000+11:00

I'm seriously considering antidepressants for the first time. It's been suggested to me for years but I just don't like the idea of relying on a pill to make me feel better. It feels like failure to me. I should be able to make myself feel better. It's a flawed idea I know. In my present mood, I just don't give a fuck about anything let alone myself so how can I make myself feel better when all I want to do is sit around, eat and watch tv and not help myself. I really wish I was still smoking. It's been 14 weeks, 3 and a half months you realise! God I want a cone ;{ It's a mental thing not a physical craving anymore. I just want to get stoned to turn my brain off from the depression and monotony that is my life. BUT never fear dear reader, I'll be good. Now that I've gotten so far it would be a shame to start the counter again. What a waste ;} And I don't want to talk to my asshole egotistical fuckhead of a dealer. But I'd dearly love to get stoned. I've dreamed about it a fair bit recently. Smoking pot and giving head. Odd things to be dreaming about but they're recurring. I'll have to check out the ole dream interp and see what the fuck that's all about apart from the bleedin obvious. Last night I also dreamt of Red Faction 2 but that's just cuz I've almost finished it and spent most of the weekend playing it. It sucks hairy balls compared to Red Faction1

From my fave dream interp site www.dreammoods.com:

Oral sex:
To dream that you are giving or receiving oral sex, signifies your willingness to give or receive pleasure/joy. It is symbolic of your creative energy and reaffirms that you are headed in the right direction in life. The dream may also be a pun on talking about sex. You may need to communicate with your mate about your sexual needs and desires. Perhaps you are acting out your sexual wishes.

well duh! ;}

and smoking scoobs:
To see, smell or use marijuana in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing an expanded sense of awareness and consciousness. You need to take advantage and draw insight from this new consciousness. The dream may also mean that you need to look on your inner strength for stimulation instead of relying on outside forces.

That last line is interesting. Oh man the smell of pot... that's probably the thing I miss the most. Glorious perfume. heheh Did I tell you that I intend to start smoking again when I'm 65? Only 34 years to go ;} I figure by then it won't really matter and I'll be waaay retired so what the hey. *sigh* only 34 years to go

Anyway getting back to antidepressants, I haven't decided anything but I thought it might be useful to get myself back on track and maybe find a bit of motivation. I don't like the idea of it but I need to do something instead of being in the dumps all the time. I thought that maybe with the whole quitting thing that that would help my mental state but maybe I've severely fucked up my brain chemistry and I can't switch it back to normal without a bit of help? I just feel so stupid talking to anyone about it. Just feel like a bit of a reject for being so dumb but I guess that's what addiction is all about. The thought "I think you've confused me with someone who cares" has been popping up in my brain quite a lot over the last couple of weeks. I've been feeling like I'm pretending quite a bit too. Pretending to be interested, pretending to be working... y'know the usual bullshit.

Anyway, gotta go do things so I'll scratch ya later.

now playing: Linkin Park
Now reading: The key to Rebecca - Ken Follett

I find myself wanting now

2005-11-12T16:11:00.000+11:00

Well I'm writing to you from the comfort of my bed with my laptop! It arrived at lunchtime on my birthday so that was a nice prezzie. Had a quiet birthday. No one remembered except my two best friends so that was kinda nice. Had dins with the family and got some nice presents - the most beautiful sheet set from my Ma - it's apple green with pink embroidered flowers with a matching cushion and throw rug, the 80s 3 disc dvd set with The Breakfast Club [one of my top 5 most favourite movies], Sixteen Candles [another in my top 5] and Weird Science that I've wanted for ages and Star Wars Ep 3 from my Dad and my bro got me the Avanti coffee plunger and salt and pepper grinders I've been after. YAY love prezzies! And of course I got myself my oh so fab laptop and my 'diamond' sparklies should be here next week ;}

Can't tell you how happy I am with this laptop. Spent most of Thursday arvo/night watching DVDs in bed. It's unreal as a portable dvd player and oh yeah the computer side of it is pretty good too. I'm going to load up MS Office this arvo and play a little Red Faction 2 as it didn't work on The Shitbox. Then comes the hefty task of cleaning up The Shitbox and archiving all my internet porn before I get rid of it. Lucky the laptop has a dvd/cd burner otherwise I'd be stuffed ;} Man I'm such a nerd.

I'm feeling so low at the moment. I've been moping around the house, bored, wanting to get drunk. Wishing I could get stoned. The cat is pissing me off, he's just gotta be buffing my legs to a high sheen or sitting on me and I just want a bit of space. But no no it's sitting right next to me looking cute and making me feel guilty for pushing him away. I should really be doing some work work but just couldn't be fucked, maybe tomorrow eh? Just wish that I could muster up a bit of motivation or enthusiasm to do anything and stop fucking moping around. But no no, I'll wallow a little longer, hell I've got nothing better to do. Cept eat... and drink vodka. So today's plan ladies and gents is play with El Lapatopa and eat junk and drink booze. Great plan eh? ah whatever

The Aunty Red blues

2005-11-08T21:13:00.000+11:00

Well it's my last day of being 30. Pretty uneventful day. I don't know why but this year I don't give a fuck about my birthday [but secretly I do]. This is really unusual for me as I usually love it. I'm one of those people who loves an event. I think that birthdays should be special. This year I just feel fucked about it. I think I feel a bit spiteful and it's almost like I want people to forget about it so that I can feel sorry for myself. I secretly want a surprise party but yeah fat chance unless I organise it myself. Lets just say I'm wallowing in self pity at the moment for no real reason. I think I'm just 'in a mood'. I'm just finding it hard to be excited about anything at the moment. Life is just dull at the moment. I'll build a bridge and get over it I assure you. I just keep reminding myself that I could be much worse off than I am.

I think it's the same old thing, I feel really lonely. It sucks being alone on your birthday. Sure I'm going to see my family for dinner but it would just be nice to have someone to share with. Waking up alone, going to bed alone just sucks. There's only so much that a cat can fill in the gaps. This sort of thing just makes me want to cry. I feel so pathetic that that is what I need to be happy. I'm just tired of being alone all the fuckin time. Comes back to the 'needing to be important to someone' thing. I just wish I mattered to someone. I wish that I was the first thing that someone thought of when they woke up. I'm so impatient for that. I was reading one of my old writing journals yesterday and there's a lot of fleshy yearning in there. Maybe I'll share some stuff with you one day. As usual I don't think it's any good but I still like it because it brings me back to where I was when I wrote some of the stuff. Anyway I'm making myself feel worse so I'm going to stop this before it really turns into a boohoofest.

Read this too It's funny because I had a similar conversation on the weekend about white knights and dragons. I'd rather have the dragon too.

Spent most of Saturday at work doing crappy crap. Had a pre-birthday dinner with two mates on Saturday night which was a bit interesting. Just getting back to what I was talking about before for a sec, about it all could be much worse - one of the girlies I had dins with has two sons. One is autistic and the other is deaf and possibly autistic. Now that is hard. That would be tough but all through it she maintains her sparkly sense of humour. She deals with it in her own way. Had a good food with good company and all that. They gave me some prezzies which I won't open til tomorrow. I just told them that it wasn't my birthday yet. They didn't understand why I didn't want to open them then but how do you explain that it sucks waking up alone on your birthday with nothing but a smooch from the cat. They don't know how lonely I feel because while they're good friends, they're wrapped up in their own lives. and rightly so because they're not responsible for me. But they wouldn't understand the intense loneliness I feel. So I'll save the presents til tomorrow and open them when I wake up and sing happy birthday to myself. fuck I'm pathetic.

Man I'm just so tired of being miserable, so fucking low all the time. And yet I just don't know how to pull myself out of it. It's like a crazy undercurrent that's always there. I can be happy on the surface but when I'm out of the public eye it just drags me down into it's murky depths. Gotta go and have a glass of wine and go to bed because I'm just feeling crappy and you're just going to hear the same old shit wrapped up 20 different ways from me tonight.

well fuuuuuuuck

2005-11-04T20:47:00.000+11:00

not happy jan.... hate it when I don't get something I paid for. Went to what I used to think of as one of the best chinky nosh places to order my favourite Shantung chicken with plum sauce and a little flied lice on my way home, yep yep no problem. Get home and my first reaction is "what the fuck is that?" The chicken looks like it's something like blackbean chicken and not only that but it's served on half a container of flied lice. And there's a separate flied lice. So I've been jipped on a full container of chicken and have extra extra flied lice. It's tasty and all but it's not what I wanted and was slobbering over about all the way home. Hate that... normally I'd take it back but I couldn't be assed driving 10 mins and I was hungry.

I am now a brunette! Felt like something different as I'm normally sorta blonde. Well I had a top deck for the last coupla months [white choc on top, dark choc on the bottom] I'm now a chocolately brown with blonde chunks in the top. Very striking and I love it. Can't wait for Monday as some of the folks there are going to flip out. groovy baby.

Oh and just a tip, Vitamin C + beer = yeeeechh!

hey big spender ; }

2005-11-03T21:28:00.000+11:00

I've bought a new 'puuuter, I've bought a new 'puuter!!!! Bought my laptop today... I hope they hurry up with the delivery!!! Tis my birthday prezzie to me. Dell Inspiron 6000 yeah baby! Now I've just gotta upgrade my intenet connection and we're rockin!

Now all I need to do is save up for the diamond earrings I want... saw a pair on ebay that I love... only US$3189... MAN I have expensive taste! I want at least 1ct. I have no diamonds what so ever so I think I'm worth it. Maybe that'll be my birthday prezzie to myself next year ;} Consoled myself with a pair of fakeys, sweet sparkly goodness.

I know what darkness means

2005-11-02T19:47:00.000+11:00

Had a bit of an odd experiance last night. Went to bed relatively early and I woke up at 12:15am busting for a pee. So I'm sitting on the loo in the dark when I hear running footsteps outside and voices. My first thought is 'just the neighbourhood boys up to their old tricks' when I hear what the voice is growling. "You fuckin cunt!, you dirty fuckin CUNT!" oooohkay methinks... so I race to my bedroom window to see what's going on but didn't get there in time to see what was going on but as the guy got to the corner of the street he really yelled it with vehemence. I've never heard such violence in someone's voice like that. Gave me the shivers a little. I dunno if he was chasing someone or going somewhere to sort someone out or had just sorted someone out. I only heard one set of running footsteps but that doesn't mean that the chasee wasn't light footed. Spooky shit. My head was running for a while after that and then of course I started thinking about work and just couldn't sleep until after 2:30am. And of course when it felt like I'd only just gotten back to sleep the fricken bird started cukcukcuking... hate that bird.

Love the longer days but man daylight savings makes me tiiired. I wanna go to bed early but if I'm going to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleep I'd rather go to bed later and try and sleep right through. I say try because I never sleep all night, I toss and turn a lot and wake up a lot during the night. Bad sleeper as you know.

Found another blog that I think will be added to my daily read list. Tis taking-steps.blogspot.com. This guy reminds me of me, only braver. I like to blog surf over my sambos at lunch and there's a lot of crap out there but in amongst the junk there are some gems. Blogs are funny in that I read about a person and I can't wait to read the next post and see how their day was. Maybe I'm just sad like that. Today's discovery is another one of those blogs. Even though I don't know these people I often wonder how Rosa is doing today, how Kate is coping with the impending move [and more importantly if Harry is coming too?], how atoep is handling being a dad, heheh TBC's latest poop post and now that Hermes has put up a full pic I'm in love, sexiest lips I've seen on a man. But that aside, I can't wait to read the next installment of his real-life fantasies. There are blogs like Worst Call that I wish would post everyday because she's[?] just too damn funny. You guys are my home away from home.

now playing: Fuel - Natural Selection
now reading: nothing... waiting for people to hurry up, got two books lined up

oh but wait there's more.

2005-11-01T18:32:00.000+11:00

I hate it how when I'm plastered I get either the sneezles and will sneeze 20 times in a row or will get the fricken hicups for an hour [sneezles 10 mins ago.. now got the hicups dammit]

Can't remember if I have or haven't so linking again - check this out for the most amazing article/thesis on Tyler Durden vs Hobbes which shows the connection between Calvin & Hobbes and Fight Club - fascinating. Thanks Thom.

mmmmmmmm beer n peanuts

2005-11-01T18:21:00.000+11:00

Damn what a combination. Beer n peanuts... not just any old nuts but roasted, salted peanuts.. mmmm salty lip goodness. I'm seriously tanked. To the point where it's hard to type but hey I'll make it through. One other reason that I want to move to Melbourne is that they have a public holiday on Melbourne Cup day. Lost in all my sweeps, had Distinction, Strasbourg and Kindjhal, fricken nags ;}. Of course the Diva was going to win. It was just beautiful. I tells ya, I can't wait to retire as pres of the ole social club. One more event [Xmas party] and then I'm so outta there! Just had one of my problems solved in that the next event planned is a BBQ in between the Melbourne Cup and Xmas and the golfers that we sponsor will be putting on a meaty feast for us. sweeeet. Had to do everything again as per fuckin usual... whatever

Watched eps 4 and 5 of Lost last night... boy oh boy do I love that show.... have I mentioned that lately? ;} It just gets more intriguing as each episode passes. BUT I know that it's one of the chicks who carks it, not MY Sawyer ;} It just shits me that they're on a 3 week break for some reason.. whaaaat? a 3 whole fucking weeks! how am I supposed to wait that long??? heheh I'll just have to hey?

Sorry for the long no writey. I do think about you a lot and I dunno why I've stopped writing on the weekends. It's not like I'm flat chat or nothing... just nothing really interesting to report. Like this weekend just passed. Did nothing but sit on the couch and my fat fuckin ass and plan my TV watching schedule. Just didn't feel like doing anything. I think it's a hangover from my smoking days. I'd kill for a fuckin joint at the moment but then at the same time I don't. Just a habit. I've lost count of where I'm up to... lemme see... shit it's been 3 months and 1 day since I've had a smoke. I miss it right now, this very second but that's probably cuz I've had a zillion beers.

Ollie update - was in the caf on friday getting my second cawfee of the day when in he walks, vids in hand. Saved him a trip he says. eeeexcellent. Considering that I'd been watching when he logged on to his computer and then went for my second cafe...;}. Anyhoo he hands me the vid that I lent him plus a Sevendust vid of his own to lend to me! YAY a further connection. Not that I'm thinking that way of course... he's just lending me a vid dammit ;} I just hate it how he makes me talk shit. I had a major case of footinmouth disease but I blame it on him. He makes me do it, just flusters me. So anyway I had to make him a copy of the vid that I lent him because he didn't have the facilities. So gee damn, I've got another opportunity to see him and further discuss our musical favourites. I've made a copy of course and I was planning on giving it to him tomorrow so I'll let you know how it goes. Dig Sevendust by the way, I remember the song with the chick from Skunk Anansie so he's saved me the trouble... sweet Ollie ;]

I really think I have to stop drinking now. Probably shouldn't have driven home and now because I still have beers in the fridge I'm continuing on so I'm pretty damn plastered. AND I've gotta go to work tomorrow. Can I just mention how much I hate daylight savings... it means hot days ahead and fuck I hate summer here. AND I'm fuckin tiiiirred! I'll probably crash early tonight thanks to Victoria Bitter but whatever.

Been looking at a new laptop as well as a broadband connection. fuckin sick of fuckin dialup. AND my fuckin shitbox of a computer. Think I'm going with an Inspiron 6000 but if you have any bad experiances with one please let me know. I haven't heard anything bad yet so please let me know.

Pretty funny... keep bumping the fricken beer bottles round the keyboard.. speakin of which.. need a refresh ;}.

Gonna be having Brie on english muffins for dins, can't fuckin wait.. YUM!

It's my birthday in a week tomorrow. my family keep asking me what I want. Apart from forgetting it for the first time I want Ollie, not something that they can give me. I'm a big believer that birthdays should be special but this year I don't give a fuck because no one else does. yeah yeah I'm feeling sorry for m'self. I'm having dins with my best mate this Saturday and having dins with my family on the actual day but apart from that I've reminded no one and don't really plan to. My other secret wish [apart from Ollie] is for a surprise party. I think I might organise that for myself next year. I'll have to fuckin organise it cuz no one else fuckin will. yeah yeah whatEVER

Love Nige from 104.7... just described Chad Kroeger from Nickelback as the Paddlepop Lion before he got his hair cut.. oh man nearly spat my peanuts at that.. too fuckin funny Nige. I have a special spot in my heart for Nige. He got me through the 2001 fires.. but that's another story for another time.

LOVE the smell in the air at the moment - sitting at my 'puter, window open and the smell of rain just passed is in the air. Love that shit.

Laughed my fuckin ass off at this [thanks Rosa ;}- I needed that!]

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Tick those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

__I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

__The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

__Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Alien uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

still playing: Deftones - White Pony [at work] Seether - Karma etc [in the car]
now reading: A kiss before dying - Ira Levin

you move, like I want to

2005-10-27T19:58:00.000+10:00

I know I've said it all week but I've REALLY got to get broadband. Today's my last day on the supercomputer and I'm really going to miss it. I think I've just got to upgrade full stop. Need to upgrade the shitbox and the connection. We shall see eh? It all comes to that elusive cash.

It's funny that when I'm here at Dad's I can't really think of what I wanted to write about. There were a coupla things I thought of today that I can't for the life of me remember now. [apart from yesterday's nail girly's shit breath - forgot to mention that. Smelt like she'd snacked on shit for lunch... woah ugh!] Maybe I'll remember when I get home.

Sometimes I really hate my dreams. I'm a really vivid dreamer and most of the super weird and colourful dreams happen in the early hours of the morning, from about 3am onwards. This morning's delight was me giving Josh Hartnett head whilst stoned. Hmmm what does that mean I wonder ;} Hate dreams like that because they stick with me all day, just keeps replaying over and over. Damn I hate ovulating sometimes.

A small observation - how is it that every James that I've ever met seems to be a bit of a cutie? Haven't met one yet who isn't. Odd.

Still no word from Ollie, it's been a week *sigh*, maybe tomorrow.

still playing: Deftones - White Pony
now reading: nothing... going to raid my Dad's library

2005-10-26T21:23:00.000+10:00

ahhhh glorious broadband...

Had my monthly nail refill and let me just say that I am NOT going back to these folks. I thought I'd try yet a new girly as I wasn't really happy with the girl that I've gone to the last two times but this was even worse AND more expensive. She took extra long and I'm not happy with the work that she did as it's really blotchy. The first girl I went to was much better and was half an hour quicker [even though I wasn't really happy with her she's miles better than girly number 2]. This new girlie's boss was a total bitch too, just a bad vibe in that salon. It was so quiet, no background music and the boss just sat there watching. Really put me on edge. At one point she started 'debating' with the nail tech about the new Bio Gel S Gel which is coming out soon. They were basically arguing the same thing too which made it a bit funny but all in all a bad experiance. Wish my K8 was still doing nails.

Thank you to the Zippy who emailed me the .wmv of the sawyer/kate kiss... that's better than porn! That scene is one of the sexiest things I've ever seen. It's now on my precious [my XDAII] so it's available for my viewing pleasure wheneeeever I feel like it... niiiiice!

Nothing too exciting to report again tonight. Not feeling shite, not feeling fantabulous. Just.. myeh... just thought I'd check in ;}

squeeedlybopshebopdoobiebopbahdaaaaa

2005-10-25T21:12:00.000+10:00

DAMN I've got to get broadband! I'm house sitting for my dad and man I love his 'puter. I've spent most of my time generating themes for my O2 XDAII and it's so super quick on this PC. heheh about a zillion Sawyer themes.. hey, gotta have something to drool at. ;} Interestingly it looks like I might have a few trojan horse viruses on my O2 so dunno how they got there as I haven't synched it to any computer so it must have come with them! Interesting... good thing my Dad's got good virus security otherwise he'd be stuffed. Gonna see if there's a Pocket PC virus checker... dunno really

Not much to say tonight. I'm hungry and I haven't had chow yet so I'm heading off home to supply M'Lord with his cuisine and have a cuppa soup m'self. He eats better than I do sometimes ;} And of course there's nothing tasty here at my Dad's.

Had a soso day today, nothing really exciting to report. Snooty is fitting in well despite Mrs Hollingsworths thoughts. Mrs H's been on leave for the last 3 weeks and has just returned and is still in a funk. It was kinda nice not having her bitching and moaning all the time. I can understand where she's coming from as she just doesn't want to be working. It's hard coming back to work after 3 weeks off and I really understand where she's coming from but it just brings the whole office down. I'm just going to let her do her thing and concentrate on my stuff. Got so much to do and not enough time to do it in as usual. Hate that. I think I'm going to have to find another name for Snooty cuz despite my previous experiances with her she's not that Snooty. Mrs H calls her the Wonderchild but that's just because of the boss and how she goes on and on about how great she is. I'll think of something and get back to you.

Still no word from Ollie... I don't want to pester the poor chap but damn I wish he'd write. I'm getting withdrawal ;}

now playing: some weird jazz cd of my dad's
now reading: There's a bat in bunk five - Paula Danziger [I'm having a bit of a flashback moment with books as I'm waiting for my Ma to finish her new Ken Follett so I'm rereading some of my old books from when I was a young girl. Just loved this book and it's giving me flashbacks. I really wanted to be a camp counsellor after reading this book ;} ]

mondays suck

2005-10-24T20:14:00.000+10:00

'Nother Monday over with... Got to work to find that we were in the middle of a power outtage AND I'd gotten in early to do some work... no power means no coffee... and no coffee on a monday morning when I'm already cranky because I'm awake and at work.... NOT a good thing. Need something to warm up the carefactor dammit! Had to suffice with tap hot water because of course the water boilers don't work with no fricken power and had to scrounge some coffee from the caf. So the lesson today was to make sure I have good coffee at work just in case. NOT a good start to the day. The outtage lasted an hour and a half and my options were a) clean up my desk b) do the filing or c) have a little snooze on the desk whilst waiting for the caffiene to kick in. I chose c. AS IF I'm going to be productive if I don't have to... sheesh! get real.

And no word from Ollie today. Lent him one of my bootleg Tool vids from a small club gig in '92 for his viewing pleasure. Did I mention that he's got unreal taste in music [as well as being tall and cute and smart and funny and a really snazzy dresser with way cool taste in shoes]? We pretty much like the same stuff. heheh I know because I tapped into his 'puter and ripped half of his mp3s. And we've been emailing about music. I can dream can't I? I think I think about him way too much. *sigh* Can't help it.

Rosa talking about tax has made me realise that I didn't do a tax return last year ARGH! They probably owe me money so I'm sure they won't chase me. I'll have to remember to do this years as well ;} fricken tax... hate it!

Switched on my cookie tracking thingo and damn there's a lot of fuckin cookies being put on your 'puter without you realising. They've all gotta ask me now... myah! I'm a bit worried about being on at the moment cuz it's storming pretty bad outside. When I was booting the box up there was this loud snick sound out the front of the house and then a massive thunder boom so I think lightning must have just zapped out the front somewhere. freaky! Scared the bejeezus outta M'Lord which was pretty funny ;}

I get episode 4 of Lost season 2 this week - can't WAIT! And I love my bro, he takes care of me.. huge thanks to him for the below [not that he reads my blog but sending out the thanks anyway]. He disected the whole smooch scene into a bunch of gifs for me mmmm Sawyyerrrrrr smoochalicious ;}

Do you believe in love, like I believe in pain

2005-10-21T20:29:00.000+10:00

Feeling a bit low tonight - I must be getting Fridayitis as this is the second [or third?] Friday in a row. As I said before I think I'm just majorly bored. BUT I'm in a drinkin mood so my mood might improve ;}

I hate the power that music has over me. The combination of Seether and Deftones is making me yearn for someone and Kelly Clarkson just makes me cry. Whoever writes her lyrics just seems to have a knack for hitting the nail on the head. I'm sure that most people can relate to what she sings but you can't help feel that she wrote it just about you.

I'm not going to whine tonight... time for drinkin!

My philosophy is things are just as wrong as they seem

2005-10-20T21:09:00.000+10:00

Praps I'm being too judgemental here but pop quiz:

CG has cranky face on and is walking past you - Do you:

a) smile and say nothing
b) smile and walk away quickly
c) take your life in your hands and hassle her out about something stoopid and inconsequential thereby infuriating her further?

fricken Dilbert is just the most frustratingly irritating nerd I have ever come across but my contempt is colored by my pity for him. I just can't help feel sorry for him because he's just so.. so.. Dilbert. Super short, super unattractive, subzero personality, squeeky voice and yet I feel sorry for the dweeb. Every single thing that he does and says instantly raises my hackles and yet I try and find some iota of patience because he's such a loser and only his mother loves him. I just wonder what it would be like to be him and how much he deludes himself into thinking that people like him and that they're even remotely interested in anything that he says. at the EU meeting today when he left the room they instantly started bitching about him and yet I get the impression that he thinks that he's part of the gang. sad, so sad. I guess I'm just a sucker for an underdog and by sucker I mean I can't help but feel sorry for him, nothing like *that* ugh. I don't get me sometimes...

Need a chuckle - go and read callcentrediary.blogspot.com Unfortunately it's no longer updated but damn hilarious if you read from the beginning. This guy really has a way with words and I nearly choked on my sandwich half a dozen times while reading. I almost want to work in a call centre ;}

Had my eyes hideously burnt today. On my way to the veggie market at lunch I'm in the car with my mate Lars and we're at the lights and she suddenly starts screaming [scared the bejeezus outta me for starters] So I'm all what? what? and she says LOOK while pointing with her eyeballs... In front of us at the lights was old fat dude on a motorcycle. Okay no big deal so I'm still not getting it... til I look lower... not only was this dude flashing a bit of buttcrack but it was the hairiest bit of celulite rippled buttcrack that I have EVER laid my eyes on. The image is burnt onto my retinas forever. You have no idea and I just don't have enough words to even begin to describe the horror. uhhhh *shudder* If only I'd been able to grab my camera phone quick enough I could have blinded you all mwaahahahaaa

Anybody know where Kate went? getting a 404...

I'm afraid that I'm developing a bit of a crush on Ollie. I'm so sad. I just can't help it. More gushing at a later stage... I'll just give you a terribly girly giggle teeheheheheeeee

this cool night air is curious, let the whole world look in

2005-10-18T21:16:00.000+10:00

Could it be??? yes folks... a good week! AND productive! Can you believe it???!!! Having a neato email conversation with Ollie. Don't get too excited just cuz he's tall and cute and has unreal taste in music ;}

Not only has my fluey/coldy thing developed into razorblade throat but I've also got an ear infection. I haven't had one of these since I was a kid and fuck it's annoying! But on the plus side I didn't hear the fucking bird this morning so dunno if it just wasn't tweeting or whether the ear blocked it all out. fricken bird...

I've chickened out on calling WK. I still want to know but I feel like a doofus calling him now. Especially after what happened last time... what to do what to do? Opinions anyone?

Had a nice moment today - was getting some shitty litter for M'Lord an somehow [I can't work it out how cuz I'm sure I put it in my wallet properly] I dropped $20. The dude at the till ran out after me and gave it back. Niiiice! Usually you never see your money in situations like that. So when I got home I rang his manager to pass on my thanks. Legend!

What is it with you folks and my nails? I've had 6 visits from google links from a pic of my nails way back in May... So just for your viewing pleasure - here is a current pic! Still got the stickers on from trivia night.

Gotta go The Hoff is on Rove Live tonight. dig the Hoff!

Now playing: Deftones - White Pony [DIG this!]
still reading: Over the Rainbow: Tales of Fantasy and Imagination

Soul searching and letting go

2005-10-15T16:18:00.000+10:00

Been feeling really low this morning but I'm feeling a lot better now after sitting down and writing. A friend sent me the below a while ago and it's taken me the last couple of hours to sit down and think about it and write it up. I've only done the first one as the second one is harder for me to think about. So I'm warning you that this post is going to be a long one and may be one that you don't want to read cuz it's not juicy ;} I wrote it for me and now that I'm finished I feel like I've got a bit more of a plan and a way forward.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CREATE IN YOUR LIFE

Clarity about what you want is an effective and powerful way to bring something into your life.

1. Write down all the things you want to create in your life now.
2. List your priorities
3. What do you think you need to do in order to get it?
How much time would it take?
How much energy do you need to put in?
How much commitment?
4. What is the benefit you would get from having this thing, abundance, health, or
whatever? (aliveness, freedom, peace of mind, beauty etc)
5. Are you already experiencing some of these qualities now, or how can you
experience this right now?

ALLOWING SUCCESS IN YOUR LIFE

When you focus on past successes, you will also create a successful future

1. Think of something you want in your life now that you do not have as yet.
2. List the qualities you already have to make getting this a reality.
3. Think about anything that you did well in the past or imagine a future success.
Make it as real as possible, and experience the feelings in your body that this
success generated or will bring you.
4. Congratulate yourself on all past successes and all the things you do well right
now.

My answers:

1. Write down all the things you want to create in your life now.

· A loving relationship with a caring man with possibility of marriage and
children in the future
· An excellent career in interiors/renovating
· Enough money to do what I want and not struggle to get by – ultimately financial
retirement
· Money for Mum’s financial retirement
· Better health and better figure
· More friends and fun

2. List your priorities

As above but to be negative for a sec - Need better health and better figure before number one can happen – got it stuck in my head that if I don’t love myself then no one else will? Self sabotage? Need to unprogram that thought. Okay so my priorities would be in this order:

· A loving relationship with a caring man with possibility of marriage and
children in the future
· Better health and better figure
· An excellent career in interiors/renovating
· Enough money to do what I want and not struggle to get by – ultimately financial
retirement
· Money for Mum’s financial retirement
· More friends and fun

3. What do you think you need to do in order to get it?
How much time would it take?
How much energy do you need to put in?
How much commitment?

· A loving relationship with a caring man with possibility of marriage and children in the future

What do I think I need to do in order to get it? I don’t know. Be more active. Keep looking. Stay optimistic. Don’t take the easy road. Accept that it won’t be easy and that it will be painful and difficult but in the end that the result will be worth the journey. Love and accept myself so that I can learn to let someone in. Trust myself. Trust someone else. Don’t be afraid of getting hurt. Don’t avoid situations where these possibilities could be a reality. Don’t self-sabotage. Don’t be afraid to let go. Don’t fear that I’ll be a bad mother, accept that no one is a perfect mother – it’s a part of living and learning. Don’t fear that I’m not good enough. Let the walls and barricades down, open up 100%.

How much time would it take? I hope not long but I’ve been waiting so long already that I fear it may never happen. I’d like to say 1 week because I think that I’m ready now but I just don’t really know for sure because I doubt myself too much. 1 week. It takes the right man and that’s what puts up the defences, finding him, knowing that it’s him. Have to keep trying and not be afraid.

How much energy do I need to put in? Whatever it takes. Not all my energy because I need some left over for me.

How much commitment? Total commitment.

· An excellent career in interiors/renovating

What do I think I need to do in order to get it? Trust myself. Don’t fear failure or that I’m not good enough. A leap of faith? More qualifications? More action and less thinking/dreaming about it. Look for opportunities and take them instead of being scared of them. Stop making excuses.

How much time would it take? It’s hard to say because it’s a leap of faith and depends on opportunities. That sounds like excuses. It would take no time at all, it will happen when I’m ready and I’m ready now. It’s time for a change and a change now before I start stagnating.

How much energy to I need to put in? A lot but it will be a labour of love rather than working to pay the bills. I can achieve job satisfaction and feel good at the end of the day. I will be able to not dread going to work every day and actually enjoy what I do again.

How much commitment? Again total commitment.

· Enough money to do what I want and not struggle to get by – ultimately financial retirement

What do I need to do in order to get it? Smart investments, good guidance and hard work.

How much time will it take? I want to say no time at all but while trying to stay realistic I realise that it would take some time for money to grow and investments to pay off. I’d like to win the lottery but chances are slim yet again I’m optimistic and I’ll always play the lottery on the chance that this is my week. Got to be in it to win it.

How much energy to I need to put in? Relatively little if it’s set up correctly in the first place. If strategies and plans are in place it will all come together with ease.

How much commitment? As always total commitment.

· Money for Mum’s financial retirement

This one flows on from the above. Money for me will also be money for Mum and everything above is applicable here.

· Better health and better figure

What do I need to do in order to get it? Be more active – go for a long walk every day, stop eating crap and start eating healthily. Stop dreaming and start doing. Believe that I’m worth the hard work. If I fail, don’t use it as an excuse to stop – just pick myself up and keep on going. I’ve made a step in the right direction with quitting pot so the next step is to start exercising regularly and starting to eat healthy foods and believe that I’m worth it. Start doing pilates or yoga for more flexibility and strength. Go to the gym to build muscles and burn fat. Walk every day. Eat more fresh vegetables and fruit. Cut out sugar and bad fats. Cut down on bad carbs. Drink more water. Take vitamins. Keep my focus. Keep my mind on the end result as it flows into other areas of my happiness. Stay positve. Stay on this plan for life. Believe that I’m worth it.

How much time will it take? A couple of months to get into a good routine and to retrain my mind and body to get out of the rut and laziness that I’m in. Probably 6 months to see some really good results.

How much energy do I need to put in? A lot but if I can stay focused it won’t feel like a lot. Once I take the first step it will get easier and won’t feel like a strain. It will become part of my daily routine.

How much commitment? Total commitment as I need to stick with this one for life. I would like to run again.

· More friends and fun

What do I need to do in order to get it? I think that this one will also flow on from all of the above. If I’m happier in myself then I’ll be happier to go and do things and not feel held back by myself or feel so alone. All of the above flow into this one. So I need to achieve the above creations. Need to stop hiding in my castle.

How much time will it take? One month. I need to get into a routine with everything else and the flow on effects will flow into this one.

How much energy do I need to put in? This won’t require a lot of energy as it will come easily.

How much commitment? Total commitment.

4. What is the benefit you would get from having this thing, abundance, health, or whatever? (aliveness, freedom, peace of mind, beauty etc)

The combined benefit that I would have from all of the above is happiness, self satisfaction, physical satisfaction and release, sense of achievement, security and comfort, peace of mind for my Mum’s future comfort and ability, a sense of place, increased health and abundance, aliveness, no sense of regret or that time is slipping by and that I’m doing nothing about it

5. Are you already experiencing some of these qualities now, or how can you experience this right now?

Sadly no, not yet. How can I experience this right now? Take action. Start doing instead of thinking/dreaming about possibilities. Stop dwelling on the past. Let myself rest – stop beating myself up, forgive myself for the past and things that I’ve done that I don’t like. Believe in myself. Know that I can achieve and be successful.

There's probably more that I could add but I'm happy with that as a start. It kinda all boils down to the fact that I'm afraid. I never really thought I was until now but writing all of that kinda makes it clear. So there ya go. Now the hard part, I'm putting it all out there and I'm going to go and put it into action. This is not something that I'm just going to write up and then forget about. I'm going to print it out and read it at least once a week to remind myself. In fact I think the next step is to write up an action plan.

a question

2005-10-14T21:49:00.000+10:00

back after a bit of blog reading to fill in the time while my porn is downloading. Have I mentioned that I hate dialup? should really pull my finger out and get the old broadband happenin...

oh and the best free [and interesting] porn can be found at www.zumbaos.com - helps if you know a little spanish but if not there's always babelfish.altavista.com. Anything that says Bajar Video is good, most of the other links are to external sites.

Anyhoo reading Ms Bees Knees blog brings me to a question. Another fine post but her last question: "So my question to you is this [btw, my one virgin reader ::cough:: of course is exempt from this question]: What do you say or sound like when in the throws of passion?" brings me to a question - when are you not a virgin? Is it when you've had your first orgasm, self induced, or is it the first sexual intercourse experience? Had to look up the word virgin for further clarification:

1. Coitus between humans.
2. Sexual union between humans involving genital contact other than vaginal penetration by the penis.

Coitus what a great word. Could you read masturbation into definition number 2? If that's the case then I was a non virgin a long time before I becoming a non virgin according to definition 1. Interesting concept - that's your thought for the day. Bing! porn's ready. Tom Sizemore porn. good porn name for an actor ;}

Lets keep it friendly

2005-10-14T21:04:00.000+10:00

Still feeling like I'm swallowing razorblades everytime I swallow but don't feel so ooky. Everything sounds really far away which is a bit interesting. But ugh the nightsweats are gross, not just light sweats but drenching sweaty sweats. Just wanna have a shower in the middle of the night when I wake up. eeuuuwww. I'm hoping to spend most of the weekend in bed. heheh want to do it anyway because I need some serious rest after the last coupla hectic weeks but hey good excuse n'est pas?

Forgot to tell you that I've seen eps 2 and 3 of Lost and my oh my is it getting interesting. I'm such a sucker for a cliffhanger and I think that's half the reason I love it so much because it's one long cliffhanger. I just love this show and thank fuck for technology because it's not going to be shown on the idiot box here until Feb 06. Cannot WAIT til the next episode!

I'm quite bored tonight. Nothing to do and no one to do it with. I've got booze to drink but I'm just not in the mood even though I want the altered consciousness. Damn you throat. I thought maybe a bit of quality computer time might scratch the itch but sorry folks but I'm just not in the mood for you either. What am I upt to now... 2 and a half months without pot.. borrred! But good, don't worry I'm not even remotely going back. Just wish I had something else to fill in the boredom with. Like sex. Sex would be good. *sigh* boorrrred! Oh well off to browse internet porn.

all the small things

2005-10-13T22:14:00.000+10:00

Been feeling a bit fluey the last coupla days. Had mega feverish nightsweats last night. talk about gross out. VERY weird dreams, weirder than usual for me which is super weird ;} Was scribing last night and at one point I thought I was going to pass out in front of everyone. I feel a bit better today but I think it's thanks to paracetamol and a zillion vitamins.

Can I just say that I hate red wattle birds. This little fuck is making my sleeping life hell! For the past 4 weeks this little fucker has been waking me up at sparrows fart in the morning with it's most irritating cukcukcukcuking at what was first 5:36am then 5:01am and last week it was 4:31am and now it's fricken 4:01am! And it's exactly on the dot. I'm a really light sleeper and the minute I hear it I'm awake, pissed off and swearing. To the point where I cannot get back to sleep and have to put ear plugs in so that I can at least get back to sleep for another couple of hours. I'm about this far away from going outside and shooing the bloody thing away. but getting up out of bed is worse than waking up because I'll probably have to do it a few days in a row to make sure it stops it's annoying call.

But on the plus side I've got a little magpie family nesting nearby and the mama and baby like to sit in my courtyard in the afternoon. The baby perches in one of the trees squeeking and waiting for food, cute little fluffy thing. Of course His Lordship likes it to. M'Lord is an indoor cat, he only comes outside with me when I go and get the mail in the afternoons and yesterday afternoon when we went outside Mama was sitting on the wall with bugs in her mouth and of course M'lord went into stalking mode while somehow mama was making her alarm cry around her mouthful. I promptly scooped him up, popped him back inside while staying outside. I told her it's okay to go ahead and feed her baby and she watched me for a sec then hopped along the wall to the tree and stuffed baby's gob while I watched. I just love maggies :]. Smart little birdies. I've been leaving food out for them so I hope they stay around a while. Red wattle birds can get fucked but my maggies are a different story. I'll see if I can get some pix of my birdy family for you.

You know that I love my sitemeter but I had my weirdest visitor link today - from a google pic of my nails! Which are looking fab at the moment if I do say so myself - I've got little flower stickers on from last friday. Should really take a pic before I take them off.

And like most blogs recently I've had to go the way of the word verification thingo for comments cuz I'm sick of deleting stooopid spam. Screw you spammers!

Anyhoo I really should go to bed early as I'm still feeling shite and after last night's escapades I should rest up. Nighty night!

Now playing: the radio
Now reading: Over the Rainbow: Tales of Fantasy and Imagination [it's a collection of short stories that I got when I was kid and first got hooked on reading. Uncovered it when going through some of my old stuff and as I'm between books it's interesting to reread these tales]

Cause my heart so much misery

2005-10-11T22:10:00.000+10:00

Mkay should I tell you the whole story or should I tell you what happened when I called him first? heheh Okay the whole story first then ;}

Had the Trivia Night on Friday which was bloody awesome!! Great food, great company, great free booze. My table tied for first and we lost in the tiebreaker challenge dammit. One of those lemon races where you have to transfer the lemon down the line under your chin - so chin to chin with your partner. I was totally schnockerd by then so I didn't really care that we lost. Had four hours of free booze down my gullet so what the hey! Kept having mini flirting sessions with Ollie which was interesting. I've got some VERY funny photos from the night as I've got everyone to email me their pix.

Anyhoo 12:30am rocks around and we all get kicked out of the venue and head out to the local Irish pub for further drinkiepoos. I have this really bad habit of getting bored and just pissing off. So after a drink or two [who knows?] I think fuckit I'm outta here and head out the door because I was bored. Ripped off my shoes as they were killing me [I remember thinking "get these bastards off me" heheh] and staggered off in the rain [I like walking in the rain by the way]. The Irish isn't too far away from my house so I decided to walk home. I got about half a K away and then decided to go back to the pub for more drinks because it was wahay too early to go home really [2am].

So I'm close to the pub and decide to put my shoes back on so I sat down in a store doorway and I got one shoe on okay but the other one was proving to be a bit tricky. When all of a sudden a tall, cute guy in a suit wanders round the corner and asks me what I'm doing. I told him I couldn't put my shoe on so he put it on for me and helped me up. He asked me what I was doing out here all by myself and I told him that I was walking home. He said I shouldn't be out here by myself and that I should get a cab. It being the middle of the night and us being in the middle of a deserted business district I asked him to show me a cab... nope no cabs around. He asked me where home was so I told him which suburb and he said he was walking home to the next suburb so we decided to go and get something to eat first then walk home together. So we walk over to a hotdog caravan which is at the end of the business district on the way home and he bought me a hotdog with cheese and bacon bits and had one himself. DAMN good - my fave drunken food.

So we stumble off chatting about this and that - what I can remember is that he was at a football presentation night, he's 28, likes to fish, works for a major softdrink retailer. I remember some other bits but it's all a bit fuzzy. I asked him if he minded if I took his arm as I was stumbling a bit and he didn't so we walked home arm in arm trying not to stumble too much. I'd ripped my shoes off at some stage too and walked home barefoot. BOY did my feet hurt the next day but I'm getting too far ahead here.

So we get to the corner of his suburb and mine and... I'm even too embarrassed to write about it. Can we just say that I was an idiot and just walked off without exchanging numbers or any of that shit? Anyway two seconds later I realised what an idiot I was being and walked back but he was already gone. I cried and kicked myself all the way home and of course it really started pouring with rain then. [it had only been sprinkling as we were walking] Got home feeling absolutely miserable and fell into bed, I barely remember it being 4am and must have crashed because I woke up at 9:30am and my bedside light was still on. My head was pounding and I just felt so bad about the White Knight [because he came to my rescue with my shoe ;} ] and just kicked myself about it all weekend.

So anyway back to tricky wench me - as you know yesterday I charmed his work mobile number out of the company he works for and the guy that was temping for him that I spoke to said that he was on 1 weeks holiday and that I should ring him back on monday. Me being Miss Impatient, of course then got his home number and have been thinking about whether to ring him at home or not all day. So tonight I bite the bullet. I thought I'll give him a buzz at least so I can apologise for being such a dick if nothing else. Been thinking about what I was going to say all day... even had something for if I got his answering machine because what if he's gone fishing on his week's holiday [yes I overthink things too much]. So I'm pacing around the loungeroom - I dialled his number a zillion times without pressing Call, chickening out then dialling again then I thought fuckit, pressed Call and it started ringing... and ringing and ringing. Bad enough that I was freaking out, I either wanted an answering machine or an answer not ringing limbo... When the phone is picked up... by a girl! NOOOO! Totally threw me as that was not what I was expecting. So I calmly say "Can I speak to WK please?" She says "he's not here right now, who's calling?" FUCK! I just mumbled "It's [madeup name] I'll just catch him at work bye!" and hungup! shit fuck shit fuck shit fuuuuuuuuuuck!!

Okay so what is going through my head now are a coupla things:

1) it's a sister/friend housesitting while he's at the coast fishing
2) it's his girlfriend and boy is he going to have some splaining to do when he gets home. If I was a girlfriend and had that sort of phonecall I'd want to know what the fuck that was all about.

So my options now are:

1) call him at work on Monday and pretend I never called his home and don't have his home number
2) leave it at that and forget about him.

I'm not naive and it did cross my mind that he has a girlfriend and that he was just being nice and making sure I got home okay. But hey he was really really really nice and I'm an optimist. I'm going to call him on Monday, is that stoopid? I need to know one way or another. I just can't leave it at this. I do feel bad about the way that I left him on Friday and I do want to say sorry even if he does have a girlfriend. Then I can really let it rest and not wonder if it was a sister/friend. I HAVE to know. The curse of curiosity.

I swear I don't need a boyfriend, I drive myself insane with this shit. My stoopid brain just won't let me rest. I've replayed certain scenes from Friday over and over and over again and cringe every single time. I just wish that I could let myself rest. Bits with him and bits at the trivia night - bits I can blame on drunkenness teehee. You want an example - how's this for dumb [dumb as in I won't leave myself alone about it]. With the trivia questions they had bonus questions between rounds where they ask the question, you run up to the stage and give the answer except the and the answer was always the Hoff. As in "Who arrested Russell Crowe for phone abuse?" The Hoff [flash up pic of the Hoff arresting Russ from joke email] "Who is on the US$1 bill?" The Hoff [flash up pic of the Hoff $1 bill from joke email] The prizes were a bottle of plonko reddo or bubblo and I was keen for a bottle for my table. So the question is "Who else besides Buffy can slay vampires?" Me being a Buffy fan thinking I'm clever, run up to the stage and say Faith DOH!! no it's Hoffy!! fuck! Dammit I KNEW that but even so... fuckin idiot. kickin myself in the butt all fuckin weekend about that. Damn alcohol soaked brain....grrrrrrr

So there ya have it... a good and bad weekend in one. And I'm still tired so I'm going to bed because I've pissed myself off with reliving all of this and I'm kicking myself in the butt all over again. AND now I've got to try and be patient and wait til Monday til I find out the truth about the White Knight who could actually turn out to be the Black Knight ;} *sigh* why do I do this to myself????

DAMN I'm good!!!

2005-10-10T17:14:00.000+10:00

A quick update as I've got about 10 mins before I have to go but depending on how tired I am when I get home I'll post the whole story. BUT I think I've found him!! Damn I'm a tricky wench! Rang up where he said he works and asked for [hmm what do I call him - the White Knight for reasons I'll explain later] the White Knight and there were heaps of WK's so we narrowed it down slightly and the kind fella on the phone gave me a mobile phone to ring. So I rang the number and found out that he's on one weeks holidays!! So I could wait and ring him back in one week... but no... I rang back the kind fella and asked for WK's last name... and then looked him up in the phone book and I've got his home number!!!

Now the question is: [and if I could find a blogpoll I'd put it up -maybe later] Is it too stalkerish if I ring him at home? I'm desperate to talk to him and I don't think I can wait a week... Comments please [anonymous if you like?]

back later!

It's official, I'm an idiot

2005-10-09T09:54:00.000+10:00

I'm still recovering from my hangover from Friday night. What night... I don't quite have the time to explain all at the moment but it was a great night that ended badly because I'm a fuckin eeediot! Met a really cool guy. But because I'm an idiot I don't have his phone number... But I have a way of tracking him down. It might be tricky but first thing Monday morning I'm going to try. This man was unreal. And I'm a fucking idiot. I promise I will explain, hopefully later today but probably tomorrow. Gotta go birthday prezzie shopping for my bro... his birthday is today! nothing like the last minute *sigh* I'm such an idiot

Night fall covers me, but you know the plans I’m making,

2005-10-04T21:42:00.000+10:00

two posts in one day! it has been a while eh?

Finally a new post from http://worstcall.blogspot.com/ This is a hilarious blog and like all good blogs tend to die for a bit but yay he/she is back! If you've got some spare time to read it it's well worth it. I hate being called by telemarketers and most people who know me that I screen calls after 6pm but my fave trick if I do pick up the phone to a telefucker is to say "hold on a sec I've just gotta take something off the stove" then stuff the phone down the side of the couch for the next hour and see how long it takes them to hang up. I usually just cut them off and say I'm not interested but geez they can fuck me off sometimes.

I haven't had much time for blog surfing apart from reading the daily reads. Two things I hate though while I'm bitching - when people take the blogger bar off so that I have to go back before going forward [they're an automatic pass] and people who put in javascript popups that mean jackshit. fuckin annoying.

Can't remember if I've told you about Dilbert at work. This dude IS Dilbert, I shit you not. Only with less personality so perhaps he's really Wally. He has this tendancy to just start telling you about his life in extreme detail for no apparent reason and I was his target today. He's also the one who despite me asking him very politely not to pounce on me first thing in the morning as I'm walking in and wait 20 mins or so til I've warmed up my carefactor with a cawfee or two before asking me stoooopid questions that he knows the answers to or telling me a follow up from a task that I really don't give two shits about, continues to bug me before I've had the required amount of caffeine. As I was filling up my water bottle this afternoon he proceeded to regale me with tales of his weekend in Sydney at the NRL grand final blahdeblahdeblah. And insinuated that he almost picked up which I tried REALLY hard not to spit out a bwaahahahahaaa at. I really wish that I had words that would give you even half an inkling of what this dilbertlike dude is really like. Again if I didn't feel so sorry for him I would post his pic for you to laff and laff at. and speaking of laffing at dilbert I'm gonna have to scan in my faves that are pinned to my office at work. Never fails to crack me up.

It's almost a month til my birthday YIKES!!!! what do I want for my birthday? The one thing that no one can buy... a boyfriend.

now playing: Duran Duran
now reading: well rereading for lack of a better book - The Name of the Rose - Umberto Eco [one of my fave books]

2005-10-04T10:13:00.000+10:00

how I looove long weekends... in fact I'm slacking off this morning just because I don't want to go back to work. Ok that's a lie, I am actually doing work but I feel like I'm slacking. Highlight of my weekend - Beautiful sunny day, lying in the cool grass under a tree reading my book. SO good.

Can't wait til Friday, I've got 70 people confirmed and hopefully when I get to work there will be more. Just realised how much I have to do when I get to work.. UGH!

Freaked me out about the Bali bombings on the weekend. I was sposed to be there! A group of my friends are over there and I didn't go because I can't really afford it at the moment and I've got friday's event [which I organise every year]. I rang my mates on Sunday morning and they're all ok, a bit shaken, but they weren't in the vicinity when the bombs went off and they're staying in Kuta til the end of the week. Can't wait to give them a big hug when they get back. Scared the shit out of me when I couldn't get through the first coupla times but I can imagine that the mobile lines were jammed bigtime. I can't believe that these terrorists want to hurt their own people like this. Not just the physical terror but the economic repercussions that follow. It's taken 2 years for them to bounce back from the last one and now this. I just don't get it. It's funny how things work out.

I've been having some seriously weird dreams lately. I wish I could decifer some of the shit that flies round my brain. I've always been a bad sleeper but it's just getting worse, and I'm sleepwalking again [snap Kate ;} ] I keep waking up looking out the window. Found myself at the computer this morning heheh can you say stressing about work?

Speaking of which I should really get back to work before I have to go back to work :]

Change in the air [or did you just fart?]

2005-09-28T22:11:00.000+10:00

Finally I can sense a bit of change in the air! The trivia night that I've been planning for next friday is finally coming together. Got 60 people booked in with another 40 tentative. Can't fuckin wait! I'm not doing the questions this year so I get to play - my table is going to kick some serious ass! I've got a head full of useless knowledge. AND I'm teamed up with my favourite drinking buddy - we've got 4 hours of free grog to consume so it's gonna be pretty messy. DAMN I can't wait! Not only is it going ahead but I've got my outfit planned already... shoes are mkay but I think I'm going to schedule in a bit of shoe and sexy stocking shopping on the weekend just in case THE pair of shoes jumps out at me. Got my nails appointment next Wednesday with the new girl so they'll be all nice and fresh - might put some decals on. Hair... ah I'll think of something. If only I had a date... oh well can't have everything I guess.

Not only did this all come together today but I've had a few minor wins today at work. Could it be that the tides are achangin? could that be possible? I'm staying optimistic!

I'm gonna steal Kate's thingy [that she stole from Kim - I love those things, sorry people] but I've gotta get an early night cuz I'm just knackered so tomorrow mkay?

now playing: the radio
not reading: can't find anything to read at the moment - hate that as I like to read for a bit before going to sleep. Helps calm my brain down ;}

silence is not the way

2005-09-27T21:03:00.000+10:00

Thank dog for bittorrents!! Watched the first episode of the second series of Lost last night - OH MY GOD!! I love this show... have I mentioned that? fuckin DIG it! Can't wait for the next episode. BUT there was no explanation about what happen to the folks on the raft [my Sawyer].

CTG has turned out to be the antithesis of the kinda guy I'm looking for, gee surprise surprise. And I've decided I'm a music snob... he said he likes punk... like Blink 182, Simple Plan, Good Charlotte... and alternative music like Kelly Clarkson!!!! WHAT the FUCK? Sorry but punk is PIL, Buzzcocks, The Cramps, The Damned, Black Flag, The Misfits and of course the Sex Pistols... Kelly Clarkson alternative???? whaaa??? no no no noooooo my eyes ;} laffed so hard at that.

Work sucks as usual, snooty started on monday and has hardly said boo. oh well, whatever. I'm in a bit of a better mood but I'm just sick of feeling so damn frustrated with everything. Work sucks, home sucks so what else is there? Went for an hour and a half walk today, it's the one joy in my life at the moment [apart from M'everlovin Lordship] as I can just escape from everything for a while. And hell it helps with the ole endorphins n fat burning etc. I live near a mini mountain/nature reserve so it's nice to escape for a bit. Can't wait for daylight savings but can do without the heat that comes with it. I'm a winter gal in a big way.

OH! I forgot, I do have something to tell you!! A bit of a mystery really... I've been sent the cutest diamond studded vibrator! I have no idea who it's from as there was no card and it's from my fave porn store http://www.galleryentertainment.com - visit them for all your porn needs ;} Hold on here's a pic:

I rang them up to find out if they'd sent it to me by accident but no. Asked them if they could tell me who paid for it and they said they couldn't tell me so I'm dying to know who sent it to me! I've asked everyone I know and everyone who knows my address but no one has owned up. A lot of people have said what a cool idea and I'm pretty good with the ole bullshit detector so I dunno?? I just want to know who sent it to me so that I can say thanks ;} Is it wierd to name your vibes? heheh vibeS - I'm getting a bit of a collection dangit, I have Frank [a dildo] and Tockley [the jelly vibe] and the new diamond fella is Todger. They've all been presents, what are these people trying to tell me? Too funny ;} Anyway the thing is that whoever sent it to me has to know my address which is not in the phone book so...???? I'm absolutely dying of curiousity. Anyway gotta go... gotta go find some batteries eeeheheheheheheeee

now playing: Bush [the band not mine teehee]
now reading: nothing, I'm between books

will I fall again into dismay

2005-09-22T20:49:00.000+10:00

I've been in a pretty dark mood lately so I haven't felt like writing or anything else for that matter. Work is sucking quite a lot. Today I found out that the last 4 days of work on a particularly hard risk assessment has been wasted as my big boss didn't read an email attachment received at the beginning of September where the contract had been revised and wiped out the clause that we were concerned with. Meanwhile my other priorties have been on hold because I had to get this fuckin thing done. So now I'm playing catchup. My boss, who knows my massive workload, continues to give me these inane small 'important' jobs that could be handled by another person in my team but no no I've got to type up these fuckin forms. How much more crystal clearer do I have to fuckin make it? Piss off and let me get some work done wouldya? *sigh* Starchild starts on monday. I think the thing that's pissing me off is how much my boss is going on about how great she is blah de blah. I'm trying to keep an open mind but it's not helping. I just don't need this shit right now.

Just wish I could get myself out of this rut, I'm sick of the same old shit all the time. I don't want anything bad to come along to shake my world - something good would be a nice change. Paying attention universe? Good things thanks.

spooooky!

2005-09-16T19:14:00.000+10:00

All this talk about internet dating has brought up a date from the past. Was just waiting for the news to come on the tv when I spy the guy who I last had an internet date with on Temptation [revised version of Sale of the Century]!!! He was the carry-over champ from yesterday but lost tonight. Can you say spooky!!! The funny thing is is that he was on Sale of the Century and he reckoned that it was all rigged and that he got jipped on his last night as they were feeding him the answers and he thought they were lying but they weren't! HAHA!

It's been confirmed that snooty girl has won the position at work. yay... I'm sure I'll be bitching about her shortly. :]

Survivor Guatamala starts tonight... have I told you how much I love this show? I just have a deserted island fantasy. Did I ever tell you that I auditioned for the Aussie Survivor? damn funny stuff - I found my audition tape last week and man I'm not surprised they didn't call me up. soooo bad! AND Lost starts next week in the US so thank you bit torrents because I'll be downloading those suckers and I'll probably have watched the whole bloody season before it comes out here. CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

2005-09-15T20:41:00.000+10:00

aaand we're back! Vanilla vod and old style lemon cordial with hearts and stars ice cubes in hand. Have I ever told you about my ice fetish? I'm a sucker for shaped icecubes... don't ask me why cuz I have nooo idea. I've got more ice cubes in my freezer than food. Just a coupla sips and I've already got the d & m's...

You know it's weird how you have a perception of what you look like, you see yourself in the mirror and that's another perception and when you look at yourself in a photo it's completely different once again. I took a coupla pics of myself as CTG wants a photo in return. My perception and the mirror image I don't like but those few pics... well I'm not that bad! How is it that a photo can capture my good side but what I see everyday is ehhhh? Even though they're okay I think I'm going to wait til tomorrow when I've got a better hair day and not squinting at the fricken flash. But I've surprised myself at how good looking I am :]

He reminds me of someone too... can't quite place him. Like he's someone's brother or something. I wish I could show you what he looks like just for sharing sake but that'd be wrong. Although if you want to email me privately I'll show you ;} The only thing that I can pick about his photo is the lack of lips but he is 'cheeese'ing in the photo so maybe they've just disappeared cuz of that. You know how I like a man with purdy lips. See Hermes' lips for example... reeal purdy. Did I tell you that CTG is a younger man too? only by 2 years but heheh that makes him a toyboy to me mwaahahahahahaaa

Forgot to tell you that I should be getting a new staff member. It's a choice of two people [choice not being made by me by the way] and it's going to be interesting either way. One girl has the personality to fit into the team but her attention to detail ain't the best and the other one has personality up the ass but is a good worker. By the way that my boss was talking I have a feeling that it's going to be the snooty girl. It's going to be very challenging if it is her as the other folks in my team don't really like her and she's not really a team player so we'll see. And her husband who also works in the building is a severe butthead.

Anyhoo I can't sit around drinking and talking to you all night. heheh I might be back, just got something I gotta do so we'll see, might be back and I might not.

I've got nothing left to lose

2005-09-15T19:42:00.000+10:00

Got my reply from CTG. Not quite sure what to make of him but hell I'll give him a go. You never know til you meet. It all depends on chemistry to me, you can have the most excellent email conversations and really get on well but then when you meet face to face it's a bit... ohhhh. He's cute but I don't think I'm his cup of tea. heheh he looks like a barbie girl man. We'll see eh? I shouldn't be so judgmental.

I'm really in the mood to drink up a storm. If I didn't have my crack of dawn nail appointment I probably would. There's always the alarm.... OK you convinced me... I'll be back in a sec

don't need to see that ugly thing, I know it's me you fear

2005-09-14T18:51:00.000+10:00

I'm finding it really hard to muster up a carefactor above a chilly minus 40 for anything these days. It's taking me 3 coffees in the morning to warm up the carefactor. I really don't know what my problem is. I think I'm just bored. Bored out of my fuckin skull. I guess that's one thing that pot did for me, filled in the tedious hours of boredom by switching off my brain so that I just didn't notice it. But that's avoidance and not dealing with the problem. It's not like I don't have things to do but I just couldn't be bothered. Carefactor 0. No motivation.

A friend of mine reckons that it's because I have no passion in my life at the moment. No passion romantically/sexually or work/life wise. True but how do you change that? I'm in a catch 22 situation where I want sex so badly it's just not funny but if the situation presented itself I'd probably run a mile because I can't even stand looking at my body in the mirror so how is ANY guy going to even be remotely attracted to me. Work wise I just don't give a shit about my current job but what I really want to do I can't because I need to be able to pay myself a salary and I can't figure out a way to make it work. So I'm stuck there as I've gotta pay the bills and the mortgage. I'm the sort of person that believes in 'if you don't like it, fix it' but I can see now how sometimes that's just not possible. I'm just so unsatisfied in all respects but I don't know what to do about it. so once again bitch and moan, bitch and moan... borrrring! ;}

heheh but on a positive note, I've found a new nailgirly. I've got an appointment at 7:45AM on Friday... should be blogable because she sounded a bit... interesting.

And no word from CTG yet... no doubt I've scared the poor fella off. And saw my paperboy this afternoon. Damn he's tall and cute as well, had a little daydream that CTG turned out to be him. I wish!

I've also got some more very cool spring pics for ya but my camera battery died in the ass so I'll post them tomorrow.

And speaking of ass, stumbled my way onto the first porn blog I've seen on blogspot. Pornfans direct your browsers to gamblingking.blogspot.com It would be remiss of me not to share free porn

now playing: Seether and Duran Duran
now reading: The Modigliani Scandal by who else Ken Follett

eeeek!

2005-09-13T16:51:00.000+10:00

Okay tis sent... I feel all gigglyschoolgirly all of a sudden :] Geez I can crap on about nothing too well for my liking. I'll be back later as I really need to get more work done before I play on here again. hopefully I'll have more to report later eeeheheheheheheheheheeeeee

2005-09-13T15:51:00.000+10:00

Working from home today... soooo good! Nice and quiet, good espresso coffee on tap *sigh*

Oh man I'm gonna have to make a confession here only because I need to share. I've had a profile on an internet dating site for egads.. years now. I kinda stayed away from it for a while because I just found it all so depressing. I've left my profile on there because I'm an optimist and ya just never know if someone interesting will cross your path but I kinda forgot about it for a while. I've been on some really cool dates and some really crappy dates... actually now that I think of it I think I've already told you about some of this before, can't remember.

Anyway, just out of boredom and curiousity I logged in last night for the first time in about a year and a half and my profile is still active. Apparently when you log in it brings your profile to the top of the pile and I got a 'kiss' this morning. From a really cool guy. A really cool TALL guy, SHOCK who would have thought that there is actually one of them around here! The funny thing is that when I was surfing the site last night I came across 3 fellas that I know in real life. 2 had complete bullshit profiles and the other was quite truthful. Now I know that people aren't exactly honest on these sorts of sites and in fact I have one very honest profile and one sorta honest profile. It's not that I've lied on the sorta profile... just haven't told the whole truth. CTG [cool tall guy] wrote to my very honest profile which is making me have butterflies. I haven't been on a date for about a year and in fact the last date was one of the best I've ever been on - pity the guy turned out to be a bozo in the end but you get that.

So for the sake of having something to blog about other than whinging I've replied to him and I've got his email address and I'm gonna write him something. I'm just so bad at writing these things cuz I have serious verbal diarhoea, as you know, and I don't want to just shit all over him. oh we'll see, I'm sure the right words will come to me.

I'm not expecting anything to happen but you've gotta be in it to win it. If it turns out that he's a butthead then I'll just chalk it up to experience and move on. I'm just sick of being lonely so I'm putting myself out there again even if it is internet dating. Who knows eh? My best mate who got married in May [the first one] met her husband on the same internet dating site so it is possible. I've just gotta get that dating momentum back in swing. I'll keep ya posted.

I love spring

2005-09-11T20:18:00.000+10:00

Have had a me me me weekend. Had a brilliant Ella Bache facial on Saturday thanks to Ms Noo who has just started working there and has already been nominated for the EB Beauty therapist of the year and man can I vouch for that. Sweet girl that she is, if she wins the prize, which is a trip to Paris, she's taking me!! She's K8's soon to be ex flatmate as Ms Noo is moving back with her Ma to save some money. Also found out that K8 isn't able to do my nails anymore as the new salon doesn't do nails so I'm gonna have to find me a new nail girl ;{. Not happy Jan.

It's been raining all weekend which is great because it's filling up the catchments here so hopefully it makes a little difference to the water levels. I love it when it rains as my house has a flat tin roof and the rain is just so soporific. I can't help but stay in bed when it's like that, and hell I had nothing better to do this weekend. But during the quick ray of sunshine that peeked out I snapped these for your viewing pleasure.

blood plum blossoms

crab apple blossoms

green plum blossoms

*sigh* back to to work tomorrow...

Now playing: RatCat [oh man the flashbacks]
Now reading: kinda between books.... re-reading some of Stephen King's short stories - my fave The Mist. Would love to see that as a movie.

Kom saam met mij

2005-09-09T23:04:00.000+10:00

Another hideous week over with... the theme of this week has been "why does it have to be so fuckin difficult???" But I'm not going bore you with the whiny details. There's only so much I can whine before I'm even bored with myself. I'm pretty much off my tits right now so even I don't care. Had a bit of an extended arvo at the pub so if this is all incoherent then deal with it heheh Currently drinking vanilla vodka with triple sec and old style lemon cordial. Not bad and quite knockbackable. it's either that or plonko reddo and I'm not in the mood for opening a bottle... just need something to top it all off nicely.

Anyway it was my one month anniversary of not smoking pot this week. Haven't been this straight in years and in a way I feel really boring but it's probably just my warped perception of myself once again. The main differences I'm finding are that I feel more tired than I did when I was smoking which is a bit odd and the fricken dreams that are coming out... woah... really odd shit even for me who dreams so vividly anyway. I guess it's just my suppressed subconcious finally freed. Who knows.

Had a dream about my ex, asshole1, last night and of course I've been thinking about him all day. He was my first real serious boyfriend. In the dream we were sitting on a bed and he was showing me his new tattoos [he had 2 at the time when we went out] which were pretty cool [I like tattoos] and I was scratching his back and giving him a head massage which he used to love. Woke up from the dream just yearning for a relationship again. While he sucked towards the end of our relationship while we went out he was gold. I've still got some of the love letters he wrote to me. He was a writer [and a singer] and of course he had a way with words.... I'm half tempted to reread his letters with the mood I'm in right now. heheh I know I'll just end up crying so I'll save myself the heartache.

I was reading someones blog today and they had this quote:

"We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

That kinda summed up our relationship. He persued me and made me love him. He looked at me with such adoration it scared me in the begining. But he persisted and wore me down and in the end I was hopelessly in love with me and then he ditched me and pulverised my heart with cruelties. But when I think about the relationship I want, I can't help but want the emotional intensity of him combined with the sexual intensity of asshole2. asshole1 was the only guy I ever felt like we 'made love' though. Man I hate those words... it's the equivalent of the word cunt for some people. Cunt doesn't bother me but 'making love' and panties do. It's mostly sex to me which is cool but I think that 'making love is just so corny and it's rare. Panties... I just dunno... the word bugs me for some reason I can't really put into coherent words.

anyway asshole1, as fucked up as he was, was always so sweet to me until the end. I'm cursed with a weird kind of foresight where I can tell when a relationship I'm in is going to end. I knew about a month or so before that he was going to call it off. He was no perfect man but boy did I love him. Physically he was no pretty boy and he was way shorter than me but I just didn't see any of that. He was smart and funny and he wrote me love letters. Dammit I know I'm going to read those fuckers by the end of the night I just know it. Maybe I just need to excise that demon at the moment. I haven't really thought about him since the last time we spoke about him and the last time I saw him was about 4 or 5 years ago when he came over for... some reason I forget now. I've actually still got some of his cds so I should drop them off to his godson's parents who live up the road from me. That's one thing I always loved about him too. His dedication to his godchild. It made me want to be a godparent as well and now that I am I understand his devotion. I think I just want to make contact with him again for whatever reason.

My favourite dream interp site says this about ex-boyfriends:

To see an old ex-boyfriend from childhood in your dream, refers to a freer, less encumbered relationship. The dream servers to bring you back to a time where the responsibilities of adulthood (or marriage) didn't interfere with the spontaneity of romance. You need to recapture the excitement, freedom, and vitality of youth that is lacking in your present relationship.

yeah no shit.

I've been dreaming about travelling again too. I'd really like to just sell my house and just fuck off somewhere. Wouldn't mind going around Oz as I've only really seen a few places compared to the rest of the world that I've seen. heheh I'm coming up to long service leave [gasp!] so we'll see eh?

anyway I dunno where all this is leading and I'm too smashed right now to care or write more. To sum up, I think I just need some sort of deus ex machina at the moment...

avagoodweekend

wanton perving

2005-09-07T20:15:00.001+10:00

Go and vote for my future husband in the Cleo Bachelor of the year:

http://cleo.ninemsn.com.au/cleo/bachelors/gallery2005/bachelor1.asp

Do it or I'll start posting shirtless pics of him until you do...

CG Hemsworth has such a nice ring to it don'tcha think?

Wish I could wash it away

2005-09-07T12:58:00.000+10:00

It's official, we're fucked. Between global warming, pollution and the melting icecaps, the endangered species list expanding at a huge rate, increasing poverty, deforestation of the earth's 'lungs' - the forests, droughts, the oil prices going through the roof, weather wars, governments with secret agendas... I don't know what to believe in anymore. I can't ignore this stuff and I'm starting to feel guilty for living a good life when so many people are suffering. I try to do what I can when I can but I know that in the grand scheme of things it means squat and it's only really to ease my conscience. I could turn a blind eye and just focus on my little realm of things but then I'm no better than the perpetrators of these heinous crimes. It's just a matter of time before all of this shit comes to a head and the earth is annihilated in one form or another. If it's not due to religious warfare/terrorism unleashing some serious nuclear/chemical warfare then it will be our own planet rebelling at the raping that it's received. It's not so much an 'if' anymore but a 'when'. I'm half wondering if I should bother having children considering the world that I'll be bringing them into. Why inflict them with that torture? What's the fucking point? I sat and wept for an hour last night while watching an SBS documentary about the Beslan anniversary. I know I shouldn't watch these things but I just can't help it. Most of these kids died just for going to school.

I'm in a bad mood, can you tell?

sandwich musings

2005-09-05T13:23:00.000+10:00

Had a really nice lazy weekend for once. Spent most of Saturday in bed reading... have I mentioned that I love my bed? Had a weird Father's Day but I won't go into that just now.

I'm not going to go on about the tradgedy that is unfolding in New Orleans but to make one more observation. Watching the news this morning the US president has been quoted as saying that the aid effort is "unacceptable".. well duh!? One question for you Mr President.... If you warned the citizens to leave and knew that the hurricane was on the way then why wasn't the food, water and aid at the ready once the hurricane was over instead of a belated 5 days later? Hope you get your ass impeached buddy cuz there's a lot of very angry people out there.

Made a donation to the Red Cross on Friday. I just wish it could make a difference to all the refugees who have lost friends, family and pets, who have no homes, no jobs and a very uncertain future, wish I could do more than just donate money and talk about it.

this guy kinda sums it all up for me: Stonefruit

Went to do a bit of lunchtime blog reading and it appears that Madman's blog has disappeared. So I googled it and rumour has it that someone has published his personal details and he could possibly be fired... what is going on? is it full moon or something because everything seems to be going haywire today...

nothing going's to change this time

2005-09-02T21:05:00.000+10:00

What is it about music cranked to the max that makes you feel better. I'm sitting here with the music absolutely blasting from my computer, singing my lungs out and DAMN do I feel good. The week is finally over and I've got 2 whole days of bliss to look forward to. And I've had a coupla wines but that's beside the point ;}

A lot of the blogs I've read today are expressing their disbelief in the ineptitude of the US president and his lack of aid to the New Orleans community in their time of need. One that sums it up so nicely is [of course] The Dive Bar Verses. What I want to know is why these people who were caught in the storm didn't get the fuck outta there? I mean we here in Australia got news of the storm warnings 2 days before the storm so I just don't get it. The only thing that I can think of [and which seems to be a recurring thread in peoples posts regarding the refugees] is that they were the poor folks. But even so wouldn't you get the fuck outta dodge if you'd been warned? I'd be walking if I had no transport. I don't mean to judge these people and man I wish them well because it's not like they're getting much help from their own. It seems like their "leadership" seems to be letting them down in a BIG way. I mean they're fundraising to help out the refugees... uhhh I guess all of the governmental funds have been spent on invading a middle eastern country so they've got nothing left of their own people... mkay... whatever. I'm not a George Douchebag Bush fan and I can't understand how he got elected for a second term but I'm sure the country will sigh a huge sigh of relief when his time is up. Pisses me off that our Prime Minister keeps licking his asshole but don't get me started on politics. I'm sure he'll go down as the fuckin worst president ever in the history of the United States of America

Speaking of which, the US not the president, my best mate reminded me of a pact we made when we were in high school. This my oldest and dearest friend [the one person I've known the longest apart from my family] whom I love to bits. We were going to buy an old winnebago and drive around the States. I'd really love to do that but at the same time the idea scares the fuck outta me. I think we had a romantic idea of the trip but in reality I don't think it would live up to our expectations. I'd still love to do it and meet some of the people I know via email. I'd love to meet David who I've been chatting with for almost 8 years now. He's in Tulsa [Hi David!] and man I'd love to meet him just to slap him upside the head for being such a dick :]. I think KittyKat and I both have Stephen Kinglike visions of the quiet closeknit towns. I'd love to see the bible belt... but for about 2 seconds as we're speeding past because I don't think I could hack that overly religious shit. I'd really like to spin people out with our Aussie accents. Just shit like that. Who knows... appearing at a town near you... CG and the amazing KittyKat ;} I've already threatened atoep with a serious beery session with him, TBC and his sister. I can see it ending messily ;} I'd really like to see Montana and the woods there, Seattle [oh the birthplace of grunge... I'm such a grunge girl], would have to see New York for touristy reasons, Texas to see where Dangerous Toys came from [ten boots arollen and arocken] and too look in the mirror at Kate, and of course Tennessee to find my redneck Sawyerman.

You know I was going to bitch about the price of petrol but after blogreading today I realise I have nothing to bitch about. The price here has risen about 30 cents to $1.30 but that's really only US$1.70 compared to what the US is paying something like $2.60 a gallon... fuck that, I'd be walking...

And while we're drinking together can I recommend a good plonko reddo? Stepping Stone by Stonehaven. A lovely Coonawarra Cab Sav 2002, quite quaffable.

AND a movie that's fast making it into my top 10. Dirty Deeds. The quintessential Aussie movie. Damn it's just so typically 60's Australian. Love Bryan Brown and Sam Worthington in it. You MUST see it if you haven't already. In fact I'm going to go and watch it again now. [bibs and bobs all over the shop haha!]

now playing: Puddle of Mudd
still reading: Angels and Demons - Dan Brown [guess I can't blame the dream about being in a vampire computer game last night on reading his book now can I... I really worry about what comes out of my brain sometimes. Kate Beckinsale featured this time]

lunchtime funny

2005-09-02T12:15:00.000+10:00

Oh man I laughed at that... nearly spat my sambo out

I see you baby...

2005-09-01T20:14:00.000+10:00

Another nightmare of a day over with. I couldn't work out what day it was this morning when I woke up. Really had to think about it for a sec. I had a dream about Andrew G and me drinking caramel vodka shots in Greece just before I woke up. Got me all disorientated. Also kept dreaming about the pope and the church but I blame reading Angels and Demons before sleeping. Interesting book and I'm getting suckered in, the Illuminati have always fascinated me. I've got an early night planned so that I can read. I'm just so damn tired at the moment. I haven't slept well since Mum cracked her hip so I'll be scheduling in some quality sleeping time this weekend. I've just got so much work to do and it's getting a bit overwhelming. At least I've finally had a bit of recognition of my huge workload from my new boss which is a bit of a relief. It's just so frustrating because I want to do everything at once as it's all stuff that's gotta get done pronto. It just seems like time is speeding up, the days are flying past. Another week almost over. Fuck it's spring today, who snuck that up on me?? 2 and a bit months til my fricken birthday. 3 and a bit months til Xmas and New Years. *sigh* Not looking forward to any of them... okay maybe Xmas as that's always good.

Had my lucky 1000th blog visitor and the winner is TBC! you win uhhh my undying gratitude? ;} AND my wish came true, got my Tennessee visitor... niiiiice :]

Question of the day: You know when it's cold enough to see your breath - if you fart would you see that too?

now playing: the radio
still reading: Angels and Demons - Dan Brown

unfolded soul

2005-08-31T22:08:00.000+10:00

I've been wanting to share this with you for a while but I keep forgetting to post it. It's the closest thing to a pic of me that you'll probably get. I was "unfolded" by Parker [see the link on the right] and I just love what he did with it. Basically you submit a pic and answer a question and he 'unfolds' you. My question was "tell me about the night" My answer is the text in the pic.

hell I may chicken out and take this down after a while so peek while you can.